So we’re eatin’ lunch today and here’s what my 5-year-old busts out with:

Him: “Grandmas are moms without rules.”

Me: “Oh, where did you hear that?”

Him: “Nowhere, I just thought of it.”

So I’m trying to get things organized around here before the school year overtakes us.  This morning we were in my daughter’s room.  She’s 8 and is just entering the “tween” stage.   Oh my. This gives me a little stress, but that’s another post.

Regardless of how much the two of us need to stick together in a house with 4 other males, sometimes I’m baffled at how different we are.  Whereas I’m forever looking for stuff to get rid of, she likes to keep EVERYTHING.  She’s particularly partial to itty, bitty pieces of paper (what is it with girls and paper??), miscellaneous crafts she made last year, various notebooks and writing instruments, anything that grandma gave her (the girl WILL NOT throw away anything grandma gave her) and small, porcelain whatnots you might find at the garage sale of a 90-year old.

But today she rose to a whole new level.

I noticed a pair of athletic socks laying on her floor.  They were balled up so I assumed they were hers.  “Peanut,” I say, “put your socks in the sock pile.”

“Oh, those aren’t mine.”

“Oh,” I say, somewhat puzzled. “Who do they belong to?”

“I don’t know.  Here are three more pairs,” she says as she shows me the rest of her stash.

“They’re not yours?”

“No, I just found them so I thought I’d start a weird guy sock collection.”

So I have this issue. (As if you didn’t know that.) I talked before about my people-pleasing tendencies, but now I’ve kicked it up a notch by having them WITH MY OWN CHILDREN. (Caps were probably not necessary there to get my point across because if you stop to think about it for any length of time, you can see how disastrous this is.)

Here’s me: Trying my darndest to put into practice all the great parenting advice I’ve collected–you know, like setting healthy boundaries and providing a reasonable amount of structure and whatever else they say will help you raise the next president. You probably don’t have this problem, but my efforts at parenting often means someone in this house doesn’t get precisely what they want at the exact moment they want it…which, around here means someone might just flip their lid…which means I either (a) begin to second-guess myself mercilessly, as in, “Was I being totally reasonable there?” or (b) immediately and suddenly am transported back to fourth grade when my goal in life was for every single person in the whole wide world to like me, really, really like me. The psychological, inner-child circus going on inside my brain really hampers my positive parenting techniques.

But I’ve always been this way. When something goes wrong, I generally figure it’s my fault. When someone’s mad, I’m sure I did something to make them so. Even when good things happen, I excel at pointing out how they could’ve been better had I not [fill in the blank]. Do you realize how sick this is? Sick, people. I’m sick.

And now God wants me to raise children who are unhappy with me on a daily basis? Nice. Real nice.

Our oldest two have made good progress in swimming lessons this summer, but I’m considering forkin’ out the cash for our younger two to do this. If they ever fell into water, it would be the best money we ever spent. From the ISR (Infant Swimming Resource) website:

The idea behind Infant Swimming Resource (ISR) was born in 1966 when its founder, Dr. Harvey Barnett, was just 18 years old. As an active lifeguard with a passion for water safety, Barnett witnessed the tragic aftermath when a neighbor child drowned. At that moment, he vowed to do everything possible to ensure not one more child drowns…To date, ISR has 788 documented cases of children using ISR techniques to save themselves from drowning.

I stopped blogging between May 2007 and July 2008.  Following is a list of posts explaining my absence:

• My dark year of the soul
• The bright spot in my dark year
• My rock bottom

So in my other post, I promised more details regarding my prolonged blogging absence. Why I make promises like that, I’m not sure, because really, more than a year has gone by and do you know how many details are in a year? Well, there are LOTS of details in a year. And here I sit staring blankly at this darn screen with nary a hint of where to begin.

So I guess I’ll get right to the point. My very worst point. Because isn’t that what you’d really like to know about anyway? I mean, when I’m reading someone’s blog, I’m generally thinking, “OK, that’s nice. But what’s the bottom line here. WHAT’S THE BOTTOM LINE.”

So my bottom (as in rock bottom) was about this time last year. It was probably the day my dad (a seasoned Marriage and Family Therapist who’s seen his share of people with issues) asked me very seriously if I was suicidal. The question alone was enough to take my breath away, but what really frightened me was my answer. I’ve had my share of anxiety and I’m definitely melancholy, but suicide? That was never even on my radar screen until last summer.

I’ve known people who were suicidal and you know what, being on the other side of it was totally different. I figured anyone who was suicidal just wanted to die, to be gone, had no reason to live. I suppose that may be the case for some, but not for me. Actually, I didn’t want to die. To the contrary, I WANTED my children to have a mother and my husband a wife. And I WANTED to be my children’s mother and my husband’s wife. I WANTED to see my children grow up, to grow old with my husband, to enjoy life and to fulfill my life’s purpose. My thoughts of suicide were not out of want to be gone, but simply out of want for <i>relief</i>.

It’s hard to describe, but emotionally, I felt like I was walking along the top of a sharp mountain ridge with steep cliffs on either side. I was desperately trying to keep moving forward but as time went on, I felt like I was losing control.  I was terrified that something was going to push me over the edge…make me snap, cause me to have a nervous breakdown, hurt myself or my kids, I didn’t know what. I asked myself on several occasions, “Is this what it feels like to lose your mind?” The energy it took to simply put one foot in front of the other and keep going was totally exhausting. I completely lacked motivation and my daily goals were literally reduced to two things: making sure my kids had three meals a day and making sure they were safe in their beds each night. Anything on top of that, like having fun, connecting with my husband, seeing friends or going to the store was gravy.

Now, I realize there are a lot of people in the world dealing with far worse circumstances than I was. And I think we humans are designed to withstand periods of intense emotional stress. But for me, the thing that made my situation feel so crippling was that it seemed endless, indefinite. I saw no “light at the end of the tunnel.” I couldn’t imagine how things might change. Stuck. Everything seemed immovably stuck. I now have a new understanding of hopelessness. And as tragic as it sounds even now, it’s the hopelessness that made death seem like a relief.

Keep in mind that the whole time this was happening, I really had no box to put it in.  The symptoms of depression showed up about the same time I found out I was pregnant and I had never had depression before.  But I have had challenging 1st trimesters in every pregnancy so in my effort to make sense of it, I figured I was just having a particularly difficult 1st trimester.  And even though the story sounds relatively coherent now, going through it was a different story.  It was nothing but blackness.

And then there was the guilt.  I cannot tell you how overwhelming the guilt was.  I mean, here I was with SO MUCH compared to most.  I had a great husband, 3 healthy children & one on the way, all my needs were met, etc.  I’d try to will myself out of it–”I just need an attitude adjustment,” or “I need to be grateful for what I have.  So many people would love to have what I have,”  or “I’ve been pregnant 3 other times, I can handle this,” or “Just pull yourself together and suck it up.  Stop being a wimp,” or “I’m sure God called us to this place so stick it out.”  I had one close friend tell me our church was not growing because of me.  I was plagued with guilt.

And then there was the confusion about what God was doing.  To me it seemed like God was showing signs that our time at our church was over.  Meanwhile, Brian was sensing the exact opposite.  And I’m thinking, “What gives God?  We both want desperately to do what You want us to do and we’re asking, so how is it that we seem to be getting totally different answers?”  And then we’d get opposite messages from people around us.  Some would say they thought we should leave; others said they saw us there long term.  I was desperately confused.

I had my moments of anger towards God, but mostly I felt abandoned by Him.  I definitely felt abandoned. Surely He saw me in pain; did He overlook me?  But as I said, this is how I felt; it wasn’t what I knew the Bible promised.  I knew the Bible said He will never, ever forsake me.  But was this an exception?  Was He really a good God?  At this point, I was even questioning whether I still believed the Bible.  In the end though, I chose to believe, not because I felt it (CERTAINLY not because I felt it), but because He had proved Himself over and over again before.  And believe me, I had to dig deeper than I’ve ever dug  in order to hold on to the promise that He never lets go and that He IS good, even when things seem so bad.  His goodness is transcendent, even if I can’t see it.  So I hung on…and I made it clear to Him that I didn’t know how long I could keep holding on.

Meanwhile, Brian and I were completely missing each other in every way.  We argued constantly.  We were both dealing with so much stuff (me with my junk and him with the huge responsibility of leading a church that was clearly at a major crossroads).  Saying we were on different pages is the understatement of the century.  But then, in the course of 2 days, God broke through as if to say, “ENOUGH!  The confusion is over.”  It was at that point Brian realized how badly I was doing.  He immediately resigned from his position…and watched his vision die right before his eyes.  I know it was enormously painful for him.  As far as I’m concerned, his sacrifice on my behalf is probably the single most healing part of my recovery to date, and a real-life example of Ephesians 5:25 (”Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”).

So, we sold our home and many of our possessions, we moved across the country to my parents’ house, Brian found a teaching job, we found a new church home that ministers to our souls, we bought a new home and we’re starting a new chapter.  I have no doubt we’ll be in full-time ministry again but I’m grateful for this season of rest and reflection.  There is a lot to process after an experience like ours and I expect we’ll be doing so for years.  But one thing I already know: I hit bottom…and there was my Rock.

Check out all the posts covering multiple subjects in the Homeschooling for Free series.

1. KidsHealth - health info, games, recipes, resources & activities about kids from birth to adolescence; sections for kids, teens & parents
2. Women in Science - biographies of women who made a difference in science
3. Science News for Kids - “Our goal is to offer timely items of interest to kids, accompanied by suggestions for hands-on activities, books, articles, Web resources, and other useful materials.”
4. The Yuckiest Site on the Internet - learn the science behind all kinds of disgusting things
5. Newton’s Apple - science videos on a variety of topics; easy to use
6. Cavalcade o’ Chemistry Free Stuff! - worksheets, labs & posters
7. Neuroscience for Kids - information, experiments & worksheets about the brain
8. Nature Journal - an informative article explaining how to keep a nature journal; lots of tips and ideas
9. Science Projects - “projects using household materials, and quick and easy demonstrations”
10. ZOOM Science - lots of science activities, projects, tricks and experiments
11. Eternal Sunset - current sunset webcams, global view of where it is day/night, more
12. World Sunlight Map - see where the sun is rising and setting in real time
13. eNature - wildlife guides, ask an expert, games, local nature, more;
14. Table of Constellations - get facts and diagrams of each constellation
15. Astronomy for Kids - basic facts about astronomy; lower elementary
16. Toys & Simple Machines - make your own
17. Big Dipper - learn to read the sky
18. National Geographic Kids - videos, games, activities about animals
19. Science NetLinks - lots of resources; catagorized by grade and topic
20. Anatomy Dissections - for the future doctor; WARNING: real cadaver

Know of any more?  Share the love & leave em’ in the comments!

Check out all the posts covering multiple subjects in the Homeschooling for Free series.

1. Countries & Cultures Coloring Pages -multiple pages for several countries
2. Xpeditions Lesson Plans - geography lesson plans organized by grade; by National Geographic
3. Colouring Book of Flags - printable black & white images of just about every flag in the world
4. The Learning Calendar - “history-based activities”
5. Free Blank Outline Maps of the Countries and Continents of the World - basic outline maps
6. Geography Online Games - learn maps, countries, capitals, landscapes
7. Netstate.com - in-depth information about the 50 United States
8. Outline Maps - easy to use site, well-organized; downloadable maps from all regions of the world
9. Map Puzzles - test your knowledge of countries and capitals; click and drag online; no downloads
10. United Nations Cyberschoolbus - get an inside look at the UN, current events, ways to get involved in global causes, how Model United Nations works, more
11. Investigating the First Thanksgiving - “You are the historian” and it’s your job to find out what really happened.
12. National Museum of American History for Kids - various games and activities to do at home that pertain to American history
13. History and Politics Out Loud - don’t just read famous speeches, listen to them
14. Encyclopedia Mythica - “the award-winning internet encyclopedia of mythology, folklore, and religion”
15. This Day in History - searchable by subject
16. US State Unit Studies - activities & projects for each state
17. 50 States Book List - a list of books for each state
18. WorldAtlas - “maps, flags and geography facts”
19. Test Your Geography Knowledge - covers countries, states, oceans, etc.
20. A Book in Time - book list arranged according to historical period
21. Online American History Textbook - for middle/high school
22. Mr. Dowling - “browse the world”
23. Best of History Web Sites - “annotated links to over 1000 history web sites” and more
24. Internet History Sourcebooks Project - public domain historical documents
25. The Library of Congress Lesson Plans - organized by theme
26. History & Social Studies Lesson Plans - searchable by category and grade level
27. EconEdLink - economics lesson plans; K-12; searchable by topic
28. 192 UN Recognized States in 10 Minutes - test your knowledge before time runs out
29. 50states - info about the 50 states and capitals
30. Worldmapper - re-sized territories according to subject
31. Bio4Kids - few dozen biographies of famous people

Know of any more?  Share the love & leave ‘em in the comments!

Check out all the posts covering multiple subjects in the Homeschooling for Free series.

Art

1. OnlyPencil Tutorials: Tips and Techniques for Pencil Drawing - be sure to check out his portfolio too–AMAZING!
2. Famous Paintings Art Appreciation Lessons for Kids - activities, bios, worksheets and more
3. Smithsonian American Art Museum: Interactives - videos & interactives on various topics
4. Chronological Art Lessons for Art History
5. Famous Artworks exhibition - organized by date/era
6. Masterpiece Art Instruction Free Art Lesson Plans - “projects, lessons and ideas for teachers”
7. The art of sharpening pencils - for the serious artist; ways to sharpen and the pros and cons of each; WARNING: beware of the disturbing doll’s head pencil sharpener
8. How to Read a Painting - “a quick way to approach and appreciate a painting”
9. Drawspace - in-depth drawing lessons (beg, int, adv)
10. HomeschoolArts - art lessons (various media)
11. Draw and Color with Uncle Fred - step-by-step cartoony drawings; lower grades
12. Chronological Art Lessons - for art history
13. Art Sites for Kids - kids’ art, galleries & museums, art lesson

Dance

1. The Dance Store Online - Ballroom and Latin dance instruction

Music

1. Dr. Estrella’s Incredibly Abridged Dictionary of Composers - basic info as well as other resources/links; search by date or name
2. The Music Rack - downloadable sheet music, staff paper & resources
3. Classics for Kids - a radio program featuring one composer each month; great way to get a general overview
4. Classical Magic - 6-year schedule to learn 128 classical music melodies
5. Piano Lessons - printable
6. Online Piano Lessons - with audio
7. Music Theory Workbooks - downloadable
8. Blank Sheet Music - printable staff paper; customizable
9. Online Guitar Lessons - in-depth
10. San Francisco Symphony Kids’ Site - learn about orchestra instrument

Photography

1. Beginner’s Guide to Photography - “for computer geeks who want to be digital artists”
2. Photography - galleries, tips & bios from National Geographic

Know of any more? Share the love & leave ‘em in the comments!

Check out all the posts covering multiple subjects in the Homeschooling for Free series.

1. BOOK IT! - read books, get pizza…what could be better?
2. Lookybook - read picture books online
3. Easy Chapter Books - a list for children who are “ready to graduate out of Readers but…not yet ready for full-fledged chapter books”
4. 100 Books Every Child Should Read Pt 1 - for the early years
5. 100 Books Every Child Should Read Pt 2 - for the middle years
6. 100 Books Every Child Should Read Pt 3 - for the early teens
7. 25 Ideas to Motivate Young Readers - ways to make reading fun; elementary
8. Folk and Fairy Tales from Around the World - search by region
9. Picturing Books - a site about picture books; resources, information, lists, etc.
10. Reading Aloud - hints, tips and ideas for reading aloud to any age
11. Index to Children’s Book Authors & Illustrators - search the list of authors and illustrators to find info, bios and other resources related to them
12. Girls Voices Literature Database - collection of literature with positive female characters
13. eBooks for Young Readers - a selection of popular classics; original images
14. EasyFunSchool Literature Units - activities & ideas to supplement various books (scroll down to find the book titles)
15. Page By Page Books - “read classic books online;” search by title or author
16. PinkMonkey.com - online literature summaries, book notes, study guides
17. FreeAudio.org - “audio books on libery and freedom”
18. Kids’ Corner Story Books - “featuring Beatrix Potter”
19. AudioBooksForFree - adult section and children’s section
20. Free Classic Audio Books - MP3 and M4B for iPod
21. Free Christian Audio Books - Spurgeon, Torrey, Moody, Brother Lawrence, more
22. Database of Award-Winning Children’s Literature - searchable by era, grade, reading level and anything else imaginable
23. 1000 Good Books List - organized by reading level
24. The Great Books - “provides Christians with a detailed, chronological reading list;” grades 9-12
25. The Great Books List - by era; advanced readers
26. 100 Best Books - organized by age
27. Best Online Classic Children’s Books - by genre
28. Storynory - audio stories for kids
29. Project Gutenberg - 1000’s of downloadable books from the public domain
30. No Fear Shakespeare - Shakespear’s works side-by-side with modern translation
31. LoudLit - “literature for your eyes and ears”
32. Historical Fiction Booklist - catagorized by era
33. 19th Century Schoolbooks - 140 schoolbooks from Nietz Old Collection; searchable

Know of any more? Share the love & leave ‘em in the comments!