I’m not blogging lately because, well, I got nothin’. Besides, my last post used up all my thinking brain cells.

What I’ve discovered is that thinking brain cells are a lot like my 6-pack abs: if I don’t use them, they go away. Or, more accurately, they turn to mush. (Not that I’ve ever had 6-pack abs, but you get my point.)

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About 5 minutes just lapsed from the time I finished writing that last paragraph to the time I began writing this one. Because why? Well, because I looked at that phrase “6-pack abs” and was overwhelmed with the urge to do with it what I always do with things like that.

Google it.

You can imagine my intrigue when I found this article come up in the results: The Secret for 6-Pack Abs. Well glory be. Finally. A secret.

I read the article.

Dumb.

The bottom line is, there’s no secret. Unless “diet and exercise” is what you call a secret. Give me a break.

A secret would be something like, “A small group of cancer researchers at one of the country’s well-known universities was studying the effects of chocolate on the brain cells of rats who are entering the twilight years of their lives. In the process, they discovered (quite by accident) that humans who want 6-pack abs can achieve this goal easily by consuming, of all things, a jumbo size Hershey’s chocolate bar with almonds. But there is a catch. The jumbo chocolate bar, eaten alone, will not achieve the desired results. Surprisingly, the only way a well-defined 6-pack will emerge, is if the jumbo chocolate bar is first smothered in peanut butter, then sprinkled with crushed toffee and finally, served atop exactly 4 scoops of vanilla bean ice cream. The scientists discovered that this particular combination works in such a way as to safely, quickly, painlessly and effortlessly dissolve fat, particularly in the abdominal region. The loss of fat then reveals firm, well-defined abdominal muscles, often referred to as ‘6-pack’ abs.”

Yes. That would be my kind of secret.

…when your email isn’t working and you don’t know why…and when calling someone who should know how to fix it seems futile…and you realize how dependent you are on email…and you wonder if you really should be entrusting your connection to the outside world to a bunch of wires anyway.

Hopefully I’ll be up and running again in no time.

WHY. CAN’T. I. BE. SMARTER. That’s what I want to know.

(Here’s Part 1 and Part 2 if you need to catch up.)

Moving on…

What can I do to fix it?
As you can see, this issue (i.e. paying off $25,000 in debt) is not black and white. There’s a lot goin’ on here. My first goal is to embrace motherhood (as I explained in Part 2). Work in this area began in the summer and is ongoing. I’m happy with my progress and apparently others have noticed a change too as evidenced by the comments I’ve received, like, “You seem so much more comfortable in your parenting” and “In the last year, I’ve really seen you grow in the area of motherhood.” Trippy.

Anyway, now I’m having a third baby—I can’t tell you how huge that is for me—and I even found myself telling Brian that I think we should adopt more. All I can say is, God MUST be doing something because that is just PLAIN FREAKY.

And so what about the debt? Well, there is now a fire under my booty to get things in financial order. So, I am embarking on The Great Debt Payoff. The plan at this point (although I’m making no promises because as you know, I change my mind like I change my underwear—another escape mechanism that will have to wait til later) is to track my progress as I whittle this debt away but because the subject of debt reduction is a major diversion from the central theme of this site (i.e. that I’m an issue-laden pastor’s wife), I’ve decided to start another blog to do so…and so you too can join in the fun. Therefore, as of this moment, I’m now going to continue this debt thing over at my new blog (The Great Debt Payoff) with my first official post, Getting Out of Debt: My Plan & How You Can Benefit.

For those of you who could care less about my debt whatnot, do not fear. I will be back with our regularly scheduled programming right here at With Purpose :: Not Your Typical Pastor’s Wife just as soon as my next inner child issue is discovered and/or exposed, which, as you know, shouldn’t be very long.

(If you’re just joining us, you may wanna read Part 1 first.)

So, now for question Numero Uno:

What can I learn about the past so this doesn’t happen again?
Well, with regards to the credit card debt specifically, I’ve reflected long and hard on the situation. Accumulating so much debt is rather out of character for me. By and large, I have followed my dad’s very good advice that he so lovingly drilled into my thick skull since the age of 18 when I got my first credit card. That advice? Never carry a balance.

So what happened this time? Well, I think I’ve figured it out.

I’m going to refer to the year 2005 as “The Year of Motherhood.” (I know this seems totally unrelated but it’ll all come together.) I’ll save all the intricacies for another post, but let me give you the gist:

1. I always knew I wanted kids. 2 to be exact.
2. I thought 2 would be good for 2 reasons. First, I like even numbers. Second, having 2 wouldn’t tie me up in the toddler years for too long.
3. This was important because I wanted to go back to work as soon as they were in school.
4. So, here was my plan: Have 2 kids, stay home until they are school age, send them to school, get a job and pursue what I really want. In that order.
5. Then I had kids.
6. What I thought would be a minor blip on the radar screen of life turned out to be a major train wreck for me emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
7. It’s not the kids—they’re amazing. I wouldn’t trade them for all the money in the world.
8. The problem is me. I’ve always prided myself on being able to master anything I put my mind to and the ability to handle whatever life throws at me.
9. Twas not the case with motherhood.
10. Kids cannot be mastered. They don’t behave like an algebra equation. There are waaaay to many variables to keep track of. I’ve never felt so clueless in my life.
11. Consequently, I’ve struggled as a mother from the get-go.
12. I’m not a bad mother, just a restless one.
13. Again, it’s not my kids. I love them with all that is within me.
14. I just was not prepared for how it has turned my world entirely upside down.
15. And being upside down has been extremely uncomfortable at times.
16. Therefore, I’ve spent the better part of 5 years of motherhood, trying to get away from it.
17. “Trying to get away from it” generally comes in the form of me entertaining all kinds of un-kid-related hair-brained ideas instead of embracing the here and now and recognizing that my purpose at this time in life is to enjoy those munchkins and be emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritual present as their mom.

All that to say, I now realize my business idea was just another one of my attempts to avoid embracing my role as mother. It’s not that having interests, hobbies or even a job outside of being a mother is wrong. NOT AT ALL! It’s just that in my case, I have a tendency to use those types of things as escape mechanisms. There are a lot of things in life that aren’t necessarily wrong in and of themselves, but for certain individuals, those things can be used to avoid a deeper level of pain or discomfort. Shopping, food, alcohol, TV, internet use, relationships, etc. are examples.

So. Now I realize and understand that starting a business was my way of avoiding the discomfort of motherhood. What can I do to fix it? Well, I have a plan…or I’m devising one anyway. More on that in Part 3.

P.S. It’s a lot of psychobabble, I know. Just trying to milk my nearly-completed-but-will-most-likely-never-be-fully-completed M.S. in Marriage and Family Therapy for all it’s worth.

In keeping with my melancholy, the-glass-is-basically-empty outlook on life, I’ve decided to add a new category to this site called “Dumb Things.” This new category will give me a place to post my thoughts about things in life that I think are dumb and/or things that make me want to scratch my eyeballs out. I have a feeling the majority of the “Dumb Things” will be my own…because I do a lot of dumb things. Speaking of which…I thought I’d kick this new project off with a real doozy—something I did of which I am hardly proud. In fact, I actually feel quite a bit of shame about it and it’s giving me way too much stress, but my hope is that someone out there might be inspired or encouraged as I work my own stuff out.

Before I begin, though, I feel compelled to address a few administrative items. First, there are a few people who love me dearly (and I them) for which the idea of my blogging about personal things makes them slightly uncomfortable. Well, whereas you felt a little uncomfortable before, reading this post just might make you break out in hives. Just thought I’d warn you. Second, I’m no expert on the subject on which I’m about to embark—I’m not trying to offer advice to anyone else, I’m simply chronicling my own journey. In other words, in the off-chance you decide to do anything as a result of what you read here and it turns out badly, don’t sue me.

Right. Let’s get on with it.

We are about $25,000 in the hole (not including our mortgage) and I’m feeling convicted. The majority of that debt is in student loans and the rest (nearly $8000 of it) is on our credit card. I’m not feeling very good about this situation so I’ve decided it’s time to tackle this monster and get this monkey off our backs.

I’m going to offer a little explanation about how we got here, not to make excuses, but because there are some major lessons I’ve learned in the process.

Our student loans, totaling approximately $17,000, are a result of 1) me studying abroad in Israel for 8 months as an undergraduate and 2) Brian going to seminary. (The fact that seminary cost so darn much is something I find quite ironic since he graduated with a B.S. at UCLA and an M.S. at Stanford—both in Aerospace Engineering—owing not one penny to anyone. On the other hand, he goes to seminary and we’ve gotta pay through the nose. We laugh every once in a while about what he could be making had he stayed in A.E., but we’ve never seriously entertained going back. He was made to be a pastor. But I digress…)

So, we’ve got student loans and I’d have to say I’d accumulate both of those loans all over again if I had to go back. Israel was one of the most life-changing experiences for me and seminary was a great investment for Brian.

But now the issue of the credit card debt. This is Dumb Thing #1. The credit card debt is mainly my doing. About a year ago, I had the idea to start an online business. I won’t go into all the details because they really aren’t that exciting and I wouldn’t want to bore you. Suffice it to say, I ran out of steam and the business is now defunct. There are plenty of people who’ve started businesses without going into debt, but alas I was not one of them.

Anyway, to my credit (if I may be so bold and no pun intended), all of this spending took place with Brian’s full knowledge. I had his blessing to pursue this business idea. We even prayed about it and both agreed that God seemed to be giving the go-ahead. I’m still sorting this out, like, did we hear God wrong, did we not pray hard or long enough or did God, in fact, allow us to go ahead, knowing full well that the business would fail but realizing that we’d be all the better for it in the long run. It’s a complex issue, but as of this moment I’m inclined to believe we did get the go-ahead from God. Just because the outcome wasn’t good (as defined by ourselves and the world) doesn’t mean it wasn’t good for us.

So that’s the situation. The questions at this point are:

1. What can I learn about the past so this doesn’t happen again?
2. What can I do to fix it?

I’ll attempt to answer these two questions over the next several days. In my next post I’ll reveal the key to my dumbness (as seemingly unrelated as it is) and then hopefully I’ll come up with a solid plan to deal with the debt…on a pastor’s salary. Now won’t that be fun.