How we talk to our kids about gay marriage & other tough questions, Part 2

Kids ask a lot of questions; it’s their job. As I said last week, as parents, our job is to answer them.

Hayley asked an innocent enough question at the lunch table the other day from which a very interesting discussion arose. Naturally, I was the sole adult representation home at the time (where’s Brian when you need him?!?!) but by God’s grace I think we connected.

Here’s basically how the conversation went (minus some random rabbit trails that inevitably occur ’round these parts) and distilled for the sake of your sanity.

Mom, why can’t I sleep over at ________’s house?

Because our family has different values than their family.

What’s a value?

Values are the things that are really, really important to people.

Well, how are our values different?

In lots of ways. Remember when the police had to come to their house because their friend had a gun at their party?

Yeah…

Well, you guys are our most precious possessions on earth. We want to make sure you are safe and that made us feel worried about you spending lots of time over there.

But no one in their family had a gun, it was just someone they knew who was at the party.

Yes, I know, but they’ve chosen friends who think it’s OK to bring a gun to a party where kids are. They are free to chose their own friends, but because we can’t trust their friend choices and we don’t know who will be invited to their house, it’s one reason we don’t want you to spend a lot of time there.

What else? What are other values that are different?

Well, the other main reason is that we don’t understand the relationship between [friend's parent] and ________.

(The friend’s parents are divorced. Someone of the same gender lives there and is always referred to as “my [parent]’s friend.”)

What do you mean? They’re friends.

Daddy & I are pretty sure _______ and __________ are more than just friends.”

Huh?

Do you remember when we talked about what it means to be gay?

(We had talked very briefly about this previously.)

9yo: Yeah.

7yo: I thought “gay” meant happy.

Well it does, but when you hear the word “gay” today, people aren’t usually talking about happy.

Because it means something else now?

Right.

What does it mean?

Well, it means instead of a man loving a woman or a woman loving a man, it means a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman.

But I thought we are supposed to love everyone.

We are supposed to love everyone. But I’m talking about a man being in love with another man or a woman being in love with another woman.

You mean a man actually kisses another man?!? {giggles}

Yes.

Oh, that seems weird.

Well, when God made people, He designed men and women to fall in love and get married. That’s why he created Adam and Eve. It makes Him sad when men marry men and women marry women because that’s not how He designed it to work.

{more giggles}

I know it sounds sort of funny, but in our family we treat everyone with kindness, respect and love. We never make fun of anyone who is different than us or believes differently than we do. We love people, it’s only OK to hate sin.

So it’s a sin to be gay?

No, it’s not a sin to be gay or lesbian or homosexual [an explanation of all the terms was an aforementioned rabbit trail]. It’s just a sin to act on it. There are Christian men who don’t really want to fall in love with a woman but want to fall in love with a man. And there are Christian women who don’t really want to fall in love with a man but want to fall in love with a woman. The right thing to do for them is to ask God to help them not to act on their feelings. It’s kinda like when you want to lie or take something that isn’t yours. You have to ask God to help you not to act on your feelings. It’s the sin that’s the problem not the temptation. And God says all sin is equal.

But if all sin is equal, is it the same thing if I stick out my tongue at someone and if I kill someone? Because if I stick out my tongue at someone I won’t go to jail, but if I kill someone I will.

That’s true. All sin is equal but there are different consequences for different sins. When God said all sin is equal, what He was saying is that all of us do wrong things and we all deserved to be punished for the wrong things we do.

Oh, so we’re all kind of on the same level.

Exactly.

You should know that there are a lot of Christians who hate homosexuals. And it’s sin to hate. In our family, we do not hate anyone who is gay.

You should also know that this is a subject that’s not always easy and it can be really hard to know how to treat friends who are gay. [I shared a personal story here of my experience with this.]

Also, this is a subject that is best talked about in our family. If you’re at school or talking to your friends and it comes up, you can try to change the subject or just say you’re not supposed to talk about it. Some of your friends might not have learned about this subject yet, so it’s best for them to learn about it from their parents. If they ask you what “gay” or “lesbian” or “homosexual” means, tell them they should ask their mom or dad.

But how come I still can’t sleep over at ______’s house?

Because this is an adult topic and we want to be with you when you are surrounded by an adult topic to make sure you understand it. We expect you to be respectful of ______’s [parent] when you’re at their house. We also expect you to be a good listener when you’re there. It could be really hard to be respectful & a good listener if this topic came up and you were by yourself.

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What about you? What would you say?

Related posts:

1. How we talk to our kids about gay marriage & other tough questions
2. Oh the innocence
3. Parenting tip: How to reboot a sluggish outing with kids
4. Marriage According to Amy
5. How to keep kids occupied when out and about