How we talk to our kids about gay marriage & other tough questions
December 14, 2009
Photo by Oberazzi
An interesting conversation bloomed at the lunch table with our 7 and 9 year olds the other day. One small question turned into a full-blown discussion about gay marriage and I thought I’d let you in on how it all went. But you’ll have to come back next Monday for that.
Today I thought I’d give you our opinion about how to approach and navigate the tough questions that arise in life. Not that we know what we’re doing. This is just how we’ve decided to do it in our house and with our kids.
- There are no off-limit questions. None. Thoughtful questions get a thoughtful response. It doesn’t matter how much discomfort arises with it.
- Answers are child-led and age-appropriate. By this I mean, we only give a little at a time. When they ask a question, we start general and we only provide more detail if they continue to ask more detailed questions. When they stop asking questions, we stop giving answers.
- We call a spade a spade. We don’t use pseudonyms for body parts or anything else. A penis is a penis; a vagina is a vagina; sex is sex (although when we talk about sex in marriage, we generally use the term “making love” as it more accurately and beautifully describes what takes place between husband and wife). Making up euphemisms is an ironic practice to me. Parents often make them up to avoid discomfort, but in reality, a euphemism just perpetuates the discomfort because the “real” word becomes an embarrassing topic in itself. It also causes the whole subject to be surrounded by secrecy making it less likely that they will be willing to talk about it with you in the event something occurs that really warrants them talking about it with you.
- Some things are better discussed male to male and some things are better discussed female to female. This isn’t because we’re a bunch of sexists around here, but because it just makes sense. Who doesn’t want to talk to someone who’s been there? By the way, this isn’t limited to the obvious stuff. It is the same reason why I’m not in charge of potty training our boys. It’s true. Brian has potty trained two boys with one more to go. (I kicked us off with Hayley, but I’m thinking I got the better deal here.) Sure, I support him in the process by helping the boys use the potty when Brian’s not around, but Brian takes the lead. When you think about it, it just makes sense.
Bonus: (I’m not getting anything for this…I just think this is a really great resource.) Any parent knows that kids ask hard questions about all sorts of stuff. A book we have thoroughly enjoyed in our family is 801 Questions Kids Ask About God. The questions are split up between several categories like suffering, money, friends & school, heaven & angels and more. Each question is accompanied by an explanation (a couple short paragraphs), a key verse and a note to parents which offers ideas about how to guide discussion or follow-up questions. The kids love to each pick a number between 1 and 801 at the dinner table and then we read their question and talk amongst ourselves.
Here’s a smattering of questions included in the book:
- Is it OK for mom and dad to lie to you about your Christmas presents?
- Why are there so many accidents and people getting killed?
- What’s so bad about cheating in sports?
- Why do people spend money they don’t have?
- Is it OK to be popular?
- Why can’t children vote?
- How do we know that what the Bible says is true?
- Can angels die?
- Why do we pray for our enemies?
- How can Jesus resurrect bodies that have been burnt to ashes?
- Why do people think that beings from other planets have visited earth?
- Why are some things on videos funny for adults but not for kids?
Great book.
What’s your “how to answer the hard questions” advice?
Related posts:
- How we talk to our kids about gay marriage & other tough questions, Part 2
- Overheard at our house
- How to keep kids occupied when out and about
- Parenting tip: How to reboot a sluggish outing with kids
- Marriage According to Amy
Comments
5 Responses to “How we talk to our kids about gay marriage & other tough questions”
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Hi, I'm Amy. I teach people how to blog, I collect, organize & share free homeschooling resources, I am was the pastor's wife, I'm co-raising 4 kiddos, and I have issues. Read more about me here or find out how to contact me here.
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December 14th, 2009 @ 3:38 pm
I am definitely looking forward to the next part of this. My sister has decided she’s gay. I haven’t told my children yet (it’s been over a year), and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m looking forward to reading your response. Maybe I can gain some wisdom when the time comes for me to deal with it.
Hugs,
Melinda
P.S. This is not meant to add pressure to you. Just one mom giving another mom advice, okay?
.-= Melinda´s last blog ..I have decided… =-.
December 15th, 2009 @ 1:00 am
Our question answering rules are the same as yours. We figure if they’re big enough to ask, they’re big enough to know. And, as you, we start out slowly. If the simple answer is satisfactory, we don’t keep going. But there comes a point when the simple answer isn’t enough and at that point we give the rest of the story.
Looking forward to part 2.
December 16th, 2009 @ 6:52 am
While we follow much of your method in handling tough questions, we have a large spread in ages: 15 1/2 down to 8 years. Because of this, if a conversation is going too far down a road that perhaps someone present isn’t ready for, we use a special phrase that they all have been taught to respond to. We simply say the child’s name, or make eye contact, and say “Walk away”. Our kids know that this means they are to leave the area, find something else to do, and that I will discuss what they may have heard with them later, on their level. This not only works for conversations in our home but also when we are out visiting family and friends or at other social gatherings. We keep the phrase simple so that it can be uttered quietly and discretly without causing embarrassment to anyone. My girls know that they are to obey it without question or fuss. It has saved younger ears from unsettling conversations on more than one occasion.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Christmas Tradition =-.
December 19th, 2009 @ 7:27 pm
I am looking forward to your next post as well on the homosexuality issue. We are in a similar situation as one of your other commenters. Right now we sort of avoid the akward conversations and issues and I’m not happy with that approach at all. Our kids are still relatively young but I recognize our tendency to just not talk about those issues. This is a good post for me. Thanks.
December 21st, 2009 @ 4:05 am
[...] ask a lot of questions; it’s their job. As I said last week, as parents, our job is to answer [...]