Hidden talents & flow

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I was just reading these two articles from Skelliewag:

1. Find Your ‘Flow’ and the Money Will Follow
2. How to Find Your Hidden Talent

These were timely articles for me and you’re about to get my raw stuff here. I’m puttin’ myself out there — and it’ll sound profoundly stupid, immature and ridiculous — but hey, it’s where I’m at.

I spent wasted many hours yesterday, a lot of it on Twitter, desperate to get more followers. I’m not sure why I had this thing about getting followers other than somehow thinking it was a reflection on me and then I’d be part of the “popular” crowd. Or something like that. As if the number of followers I have really matters in life. It certainly doesn’t in eternity.

I spent (and spend) a lot of time comparing myself to other women: How many followers does she have? How did she get so may followers? If only I was like [fill in the blank]…whine, whine, whine. I went to bed depressed because I barely have 100 followers. Hello, jr. high school.

This morning I woke up feeling completely idiotic and like a major loser. Sheesh, I’m nearly 35 years old. Why do I still spend SO. MUCH. TIME. comparing myself to others? Answer: I’m broken. I’m sinful.

I get it. I see it. I’m tired of it.

And it’s not just internet people I compare myself to. If I’m honest, it’s everyone, all the time, everywhere.

But the internet is particularly dangerous for those of us who habitually compare ourselves to others. It’s easy to let only the good stuff show online. It’s easy to keep the not-so-pretty stuff hidden. At least for me, I read someone’s blog (or follow their tweets) and I start to paint a picture of this person — usually a picture that includes only the ways they excel and therefore, the ways I fall hopelessly short. I wonder how accurate (or inaccurate) those pictures I paint are…and how much I beat myself up for absolutely nothing. It’s sick really.

Enter the articles I mentioned above. I was trackin’. I think part of the way God is working it out is revealing to me how I tick.   Sounds ridiculous given how much navel gazing I do; I mean, how can I be SO clueless about how I’m wired and why I try so desperately to grab someone else’s wires and make them my own. It’s exhausting. And completely unfulfilling.

There’s no pretty bow to wrap this all up here. I haven’t figured it all out. I got nothin’ more other than a pleading cry to God that somehow He’d break through and help me get unstuck. Skelliewag talks about how she recently discovered her love for playing soccer; I’ve recently discovered some things I enjoy too — things I never would have thought to pursue. So maybe I’m at least moving in the right direction. Maybe?

Related posts:

1. Perspective