What to do with a perfectionistic child?

September 3, 2008

It’s BACKWARDS Works for Me Wednesday over at Rocks in my Dryer.  Backwards means I get to ask you a question and you get to tell me the answer!  I like this.

So, here’s my question for all you seasoned parents out there.  What do you do with a child who tends toward perfectionism?  They resist doing anything they can’t do perfectly, they are devastated when they make mistakes and crushed when they are corrected (even when the correction is no big deal at all).  I realize the problem is both in my parenting and in their personality so I’m open to advice either way.  Can anyone relate?  Got any tips?

DON’T FORGET! My own little meme attempt called “Things I Love Thursday” starts tomorrow. Tomorrow’s theme is Children’s Picture Books which means when you come back here tomorrow, I’ll tell you what my favorite children’s picture book is and then you can tell me yours and then hopefully we’ll create a super duper list of the best, parent-tested, tried-and-true children’s picture books of all time!  So check back tomorrow and join in!

Category: Parenting
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Comments

13 Responses to “What to do with a perfectionistic child?”

  1. Chuggie
    September 3rd, 2008 @ 7:24 am

    I have children like that, but with a twist. They are randomly perfectionistic and I never know when they will be that way and when they don’t care at all. I try to just be consistently praising and even keeled in hopes that they will somehow find balance. I also try to let them see me deal appropriately with my own shortcomings. I don’t always get this right, but I press on. And I pray!!!!

  2. Debbie
    September 3rd, 2008 @ 7:30 am

    Hi Amy. I have four kids. One is a recovering perfectionist and one is full throttle perfection mode. They are the HARDEST kids to parent. Where to begin? It doesn’t matter how many times I tell my 11 year old son that I am not angry with him, if I correct him, he loses it. I truly think it is more within their makeup than it is their parenting, since I have kids in a wide spectrum. I have no great answers for you but maybe you can take heart, like I do, in the fact that my 17 year old daughter was the exact same way and is now very relaxed and adjusted. I wish I could help you. (I wish you could help me!!)

  3. Audra Krell
    September 3rd, 2008 @ 9:47 am

    I was the oldest, a perfectionist and still am. My mom only corrected me, she thought I knew how great she felt about me. If she had simply done the three positives for every negative, things would be different today. As it is, there is such a black hole of negatives that my subconscious tries to always search for acceptance in almost everything I do. Try to really focus on the 3:1 ratio, constantly praising for things that no other person in your child’s life would think of to praise. When your child knows he/she has your respect, they can do anything.

  4. Chelsey
    September 3rd, 2008 @ 10:23 am

    As a recovering perfectionist myself, I think maybe I can offer some help. My parents never pressured me, but they really only offered praise when I did something really great. They were also somewhat emotionally detached. I think if you praise your kids for character-related things, like how kind they are to siblings, or how patient they were at a particular point, that may help to combat some of it.

  5. Becky
    September 3rd, 2008 @ 10:51 am

    I think that the character-related praise is good, but really the main thing, in our experience, is to always praise the effort and not the results. Even when our daughter is very good at something, we praise her for working hard or being willing to try things. That way we hope to diminish her “need” for a perfect outcome.

    Just found your blog, btw, and I am really enjoying it!

  6. Bitty
    September 3rd, 2008 @ 11:39 am

    As a recovering perfectionist, ;), I offer these comments:
    first, encourage them to participate in creative, agenda-free play; not a game to be won, or a math problem to be figured, but things that grow imagination, like arts, gardening, etc. Set them free to create their own worlds, build forts, etc. There is great satisfaction to be had in these endeavors.
    Second, think about your words: do you have fear about your own performance? They’ll pick up on that.
    Third: Continually distract them with new challenges. If you’re a gifted child, it’s easy to grow bored when you’re gifted, as I suspect your children are. So then you spend more energy perfecting a project because you’re done with the basic stuff so quickly.
    I hope these are insights and not obvious! Blessings on your endeavors.

  7. Amy
    September 3rd, 2008 @ 1:29 pm

    I’m not sure if it matters, but Diaper Diaries already has a meme by the same name (http://thediaperdiaries.net/).

    I LOVE the idea of a weekly theme of favorites & look forward to learning something new!

  8. Stonefox
    September 3rd, 2008 @ 11:42 pm

    This is a great question! I’ve got a perfectionist too, and I was one growing up. What I am trying to do with my son is take time with him. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but I have learned that when I am with him when he messes up, then it goes better, because I can show him how the “mess up” can be fixed or changed to make something better/different, etc…Maaybe it’s not an answer per se, but it helps, and I’m hoping that with enough of it, he will “get” it for himself.

  9. BRittany@baby butterflies
    September 4th, 2008 @ 7:19 am

    Thanks for the comment you left!!!

  10. Jeni from Kansas
    September 4th, 2008 @ 8:04 am

    As someone who has sudden bouts of a perfectionist mentality, I curb my appetite by doing things that really have no perfect way to do that, thereby proving to myself that the end result can still be beautiful without it being perfect. I find dancing (modern & improv especially) have really helped because there is no limit to what my imagination can unfold. I also appreciate abstract art and chalk drawing. There are no exact steps to any of these, therefore it’s natural to go with the flow.

    I hope this helps.

  11. Michie
    September 4th, 2008 @ 8:53 pm

    I’m also a recovering perfectionist, and it is a hard thing to stop. I only realized about six months ago how much my perfectionism effected every aspect of my life!

    The one thing I have to say is to try and be patient with them, and to realize that they probably don’t want to be perfectionists either. People who say things to me like, “just relax” are trying to be helpful, but it isn’t a helpful comment, because if I knew how to just relax about things and not let them get to me, wouldn’t I be doing it? I’ve personally always felt that it is more helpful to give them an example of how to do something - like how you think they can step out of their comfort zone, then to tell them to just do it.

  12. Laura @ Mommy Menagerie
    September 5th, 2008 @ 12:01 am

    My son was so severly perfectionistic that he would have panic attacks and tons of anxiety if he was ever asked
    to do anything that he didn’t feel TOTALLY confident and comfortable that he knew how to do it—so hard to parent!

    What worked for us was never put pressure on him to try if he didn’t feel comfortable with it, no big deal. If it didn’t seem important he was more willing to try. He had to know that it was ok to not participate, which is hard when you want them to be involved.
    We also did a lot of watching and talking, showing him things and explaining what was happening, so he felt like he understood what was expected.
    I found that giving them space, but also trying to arm them with information and experience led to more confidence. We’re still working on it!

  13. withpurpose » Blog Archive » You people rock.
    September 5th, 2008 @ 6:53 am

    [...] Kids, My Issues, Parenting So Wednesday I asked you all how to deal with a perfectionistic child and all I’ve got to say is that you people do not disappoint.  I love your comments (and [...]

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