So in my other post, I promised more details regarding my prolonged blogging absence. Why I make promises like that, I’m not sure, because really, more than a year has gone by and do you know how many details are in a year? Well, there are LOTS of details in a year. And here I sit staring blankly at this darn screen with nary a hint of where to begin.
So I guess I’ll get right to the point. My very worst point. Because isn’t that what you’d really like to know about anyway? I mean, when I’m reading someone’s blog, I’m generally thinking, “OK, that’s nice. But what’s the bottom line here. WHAT’S THE BOTTOM LINE.”
So my bottom (as in rock bottom) was about this time last year. It was probably the day my dad (a seasoned Marriage and Family Therapist who’s seen his share of people with issues) asked me very seriously if I was suicidal. The question alone was enough to take my breath away, but what really frightened me was my answer. I’ve had my share of anxiety and I’m definitely melancholy, but suicide? That was never even on my radar screen until last summer.
I’ve known people who were suicidal and you know what, being on the other side of it was totally different. I figured anyone who was suicidal just wanted to die, to be gone, had no reason to live. I suppose that may be the case for some, but not for me. Actually, I didn’t want to die. To the contrary, I WANTED my children to have a mother and my husband a wife. And I WANTED to be my children’s mother and my husband’s wife. I WANTED to see my children grow up, to grow old with my husband, to enjoy life and to fulfill my life’s purpose. My thoughts of suicide were not out of want to be gone, but simply out of want for relief.
It’s hard to describe, but emotionally, I felt like I was walking along the top of a sharp mountain ridge with steep cliffs on either side. I was desperately trying to keep moving forward but as time went on, I felt like I was losing control. I was terrified that something was going to push me over the edge…make me snap, cause me to have a nervous breakdown, hurt myself or my kids, I didn’t know what. I asked myself on several occasions, “Is this what it feels like to lose your mind?” The energy it took to simply put one foot in front of the other and keep going was totally exhausting. I completely lacked motivation and my daily goals were literally reduced to two things: making sure my kids had three meals a day and making sure they were safe in their beds each night. Anything on top of that, like having fun, connecting with my husband, seeing friends or going to the store was gravy.
Now, I realize there are a lot of people in the world dealing with far worse circumstances than I was. And I think we humans are designed to withstand periods of intense emotional stress. But for me, the thing that made my situation feel so crippling was that it seemed endless, indefinite. I saw no “light at the end of the tunnel.” I couldn’t imagine how things might change. Stuck. Everything seemed immovably stuck. I now have a new understanding of hopelessness. And as tragic as it sounds even now, it’s the hopelessness that made death seem like a relief.
Keep in mind that the whole time this was happening, I really had no box to put it in. The symptoms of depression showed up about the same time I found out I was pregnant and I had never had depression before. But I have had challenging 1st trimesters in every pregnancy so in my effort to make sense of it, I figured I was just having a particularly difficult 1st trimester. And even though the story sounds relatively coherent now, going through it was a different story. It was nothing but blackness.
And then there was the guilt. I cannot tell you how overwhelming the guilt was. I mean, here I was with SO MUCH compared to most. I had a great husband, 3 healthy children & one on the way, all my needs were met, etc. I’d try to will myself out of it–”I just need an attitude adjustment,” or “I need to be grateful for what I have. So many people would love to have what I have,” or “I’ve been pregnant 3 other times, I can handle this,” or “Just pull yourself together and suck it up. Stop being a wimp,” or “I’m sure God called us to this place so stick it out.” I had one close friend tell me our church was not growing because of me. I was plagued with guilt.
And then there was the confusion about what God was doing. To me it seemed like God was showing signs that our time at our church was over. Meanwhile, Brian was sensing the exact opposite. And I’m thinking, “What gives God? We both want desperately to do what You want us to do and we’re asking, so how is it that we seem to be getting totally different answers?” And then we’d get opposite messages from people around us. Some would say they thought we should leave; others said they saw us there long term. I was desperately confused.
I had my moments of anger towards God, but mostly I felt abandoned by Him. I definitely felt abandoned. Surely He saw me in pain; did He overlook me? But as I said, this is how I felt; it wasn’t what I knew the Bible promised. I knew the Bible said He will never, ever forsake me. But was this an exception? Was He really a good God? At this point, I was even questioning whether I still believed the Bible. In the end though, I chose to believe, not because I felt it (CERTAINLY not because I felt it), but because He had proved Himself over and over again before. And believe me, I had to dig deeper than I’ve ever dug in order to hold on to the promise that He never lets go and that He IS good, even when things seem so bad. His goodness is transcendent, even if I can’t see it. So I hung on…and I made it clear to Him that I didn’t know how long I could keep holding on.
Meanwhile, Brian and I were completely missing each other in every way. We argued constantly. We were both dealing with so much stuff (me with my junk and him with the huge responsibility of leading a church that was clearly at a major crossroads). Saying we were on different pages is the understatement of the century. But then, in the course of 2 days, God broke through as if to say, “ENOUGH! The confusion is over.” It was at that point Brian realized how badly I was doing. He immediately resigned from his position…and watched his vision die right before his eyes. I know it was enormously painful for him. As far as I’m concerned, his sacrifice on my behalf is probably the single most healing part of my recovery to date, and a real-life example of Ephesians 5:25 (“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”).
So, we sold our home and many of our possessions, we moved across the country to my parents’ house, Brian found a teaching job, we found a new church home that ministers to our souls, we bought a new home and we’re starting a new chapter. I have no doubt we’ll be in full-time ministry again but I’m grateful for this season of rest and reflection. There is a lot to process after an experience like ours and I expect we’ll be doing so for years. But one thing I already know: I hit bottom…and there was my Rock.
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Amy, I’m so glad to hear from you on here again. And glad you’re sharing your story. I will put a link on the forum….which you are still a part of y’know if you want to pop in.
Blessings on your new life there in the west. It sounds GOOD.
Christie
Thank you for continuing to share about this. You describe depression and desperation for relief very well. Sounds like you have an incredible husband!! Was his caring sacrifice along with your move/big life changes enough to pull you out, or did you seek other treatment as well – counseling, medication, hospitalization, etc? Just curious what all has contributed to your healing process (God, I realize, ultimately!). From where I am lost in depression I have no idea what to do when it seems like God (or anyone else) doesn’t really care. Good to hear some hope from someone who has experienced it. Continued prayers for you and your precious family…
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4Daisies…getting out of the situation made the biggest difference. I did see a counselor a few times before we left. She was very helpful but our time together was very short. I’ve also done a lot of processing with my parents (who are both counselors–free therapy, whoohoo!). I’m not opposed to meds at all, but since I was pregnant and then nursing, I didn’t go that route.
Amy, you are an inspiration to all who are going through trials and are tempted to give up. As you so wisely stated, God is indeed our Rock. Every day, I say Psalm 46:1 out loud. Brian is a true example of a godly husband who puts his wife and her welfare ahead of his own dreams. That is the true meaning of Ephesians 5:21 concerning mutual relationships. I believe God will bless him and use him, and you too, tremendously because of it.
Amy, I have no words. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry about all the hurt and depths of low mush you have fought your way through. I am very glad that you are fighting it, and that you guys have made changes to the better. Much love to you and yours.
I like what you said when you hit rock bottom there was your rock. It was just like was Mary Beth Chapman said last week and I am a pastor’s wife who needed to hear it!!!
[...] wife like me and seemed real. Now we have even more in common. She has depression. Her rock bottom post is brilliantly written and I’d like you to read it to understand more of how depression [...]
Amy, I’m so sorry that you have had to go through this. I have been wondering if you would ever write again. You have a gift in writing-God will use it to his Glory.
Wow, your year sounds a lot like mine, but times
tena thousand. Thanks for posting this. I’m glad you’re back.I just came on your blog by accident, well I guess with God their are no accidents. I have been feeling very depressed and angry at my husband and have started sneeking drinks here and there just to calm my nerves. My husband was pastoring a church but resigned to attend seminary full time. It’s rough! Full time student and working full time I often feel my needs are the last to be met. I am also struggling with the call that has been placed on him. I almost get angry at God ( oh is that aloud) because our life was going just fine before this calling now we are struggling to pay our bills and have so much pressure to measure up to the other women who seem like this is the best thing that has happen to them. Like they have known their whole life that they were going to be a preachers wife. I feel like my life has come to a stop, like I have to preform.
Anyway thanks for your honesty. I too am struggling with how to talk to my husband. I want to tell him to quit this that I can’t handle this. I just want to be normal. But I don’t want the guilt of making him quit something he is so sure he is called to. I really need your prayers. I feel like satan is attacking me in every area. Yet some part of me keeps telling myself if I would just pray more, read my bible more I can zap out of this.
So glad you’re back up, Amy. I used to read your blog, and I so respect your honesty and vulnerability. In so many ways, our lives have paralleled, and unfortunately, the pastor’s spouse thing is so hard! I hear you! Thanks for trying again, and I’ll be glad to hear your honest updates – we had our 2nd baby in February – not sleeping well either!
Brian epitomizes the very meaning of the submission of husbands and wives to one another, as taught in Genesis 1:26, 27, Ephesians 5:21, Galatians 3:28, and I Peter 5:6. After all, the true meaning of submission for believers is to “be available” to one another. Your pictures are a delight. God has truly blessed you with beautiful children, and your family with an amazing wife and mother.
Amy, thanks for sharing your heart. I too was at a desparate spot 4 years ago. We had been in ministry for 20 years (10 at the present church). Lots of circumstances I won’t go into, but my husband decided to leave for my sake. For 2 1/1 yrs I didn’t want to enter a church and never wanted to be in ministry again. Because of the excellent teaching we are receiving in our present church my husband and I have both been healed from very deep wounds from our church experience. We are now excited about what God is doing in our lives and look forward to him receiving his DMin in May 2009. God is faithful and patient with us. I thank Him for that daily. If you get a chance stop by my blog and look me up on facebook. http://www.mentoringwomeninministry.blogspot.com Facebook…Cheryl Turnbull, Mentoring Women in Ministry, group and blog. Blessings to you and your family!
Dear Amy,
I have missed you. I often clicked on your blog and wondered where you went. I knew something was up, so you have been in my prayers. I’m so grateful to God that you’re back! Thank you for sharing your experience.
One thing I want to say is: You should never feel ashamed, so don’t let guilt get a hold of you. Guilt is something the enemy uses to hold people back. You’ve come through something that will strengthen you and help you to do greater things in the Kingdom of God.
I praise God that you have a husband that was willing to put his wife before the church. That’s the way it should be. What a blessing that he laid everything down. God will bless you both.
I recently heard someone say that almost every person who has been used mightily in the Kingdom has either gone through or will go through something very difficult….I wish it did not have to be that way. BUT God uses it for His glory and He strengthens His people if they yield to Him.
I want you to know that I honor you as a person, as one of His…I honor you for “birthing” the forum that has blessed so many PW’s. Honestly, the forum has been a blessing to me through some difficult journeys. I’m glad that you were part of gathering PW’s and creating a safe place for them to go.
I really wish I could meet you someday. : ) By the way, you have incredibly beautiful children. They shine! Just like their mother, they shine.
Blessings to you,
Traci
Amy, it is so good to ‘hear your voice’. I’ve truly missed you, Pastor Brian, and your beautiful children. I wish I could meet the new addition! I can’t wait to read more.
Love,
Kacy
Amy, this is an amazing post. I can feel your pain so clearly in this as I have a story of my own that I will share with you one day…when it’s not 9:23 o’clock:)as a child of mine would say. Anyway, I had depression in my 4th pregnancy and I did not recognize it until a friend brought it up to me. I think your husband is an incredible person, a true husband of the Word. I think you are courageous to be so honest as there are LOADS of minister’s wives dealing with similar emotions and you are willing to be transparent. I will definitely keep track of your blog. Love you,
Tammy
Thanks, Amy. I am a fellow former-pastor’s-wife who also deals with depression. Although we left the ministry through different circumstances, it has been tremendously healing for me. I appreciate you sharing your story. We need more Christians who are willing to be so transparent.
Amy — glad you are back! I have always enjoyed the freshness and humor you interjected into life you shared with us. God knows, us Pastors Wives need that! The joy of the Lord is our strength! God will use this time and experience you’ve been through to help others in such an awesome way – you will be able to minister to others deeper and more effectively than any other because you’ve experienced it. Though we don’t want these things to happen and we would choose a less painful path, Phil 3:10 “That I may know Him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;”
! I just want to pour into you just how much He loves you — Zephaniah 3:17
Your God is present among you, a strong Warrior there to save you. Happy to have you back, He’ll calm you with His love and delight you with His songs.
God is a Restorer — may He restore to you joy, peace and goodness and may He give your husband new vision, new hope — I’m very expectant to hear what God does for your family! He is Good!
Amy: Thanks, Diane. I appreciate the encouragement. God is good.
EvenEspecially then.Amy, God Bless you I am relatively new to blogging my husband is a pastor he is currently pastoring his first church. I am so glad to have read how your husband stood by you and helped you through your depression. My husband is a good provider however when it comes to the church and his family the church members always win. I always try to be the best wife that I can possibly be but it seems that the more I try the more he resents me. and our two children are cryng for his attention ages 14 and 17. My 17 year old cant wait to leave for college next year and she stats that she will never speak to her dad again. I ask for your prayers because we want to be close to my husband but he has put the church before his family for five years now. There is no way my husband would ever leave a church because I was depressed or not happy with the situation. I am at my wits end and I really do not know what to do, I see the effects on our children and I am starting to show signs of depression myself, so I ask for your prayers. Thank you and God Bless
Amy,
Thank you for sharing your story so candidly and personally. Your story is touching and purposeful.
I look forward to reading more.
DINK
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I just came across your blog from wfmw. I had no idea I would be reading a similar story to that of my own, with the exception that I am still there. Just this very morning tears streaming, I had to call my husband to come home from work (he has 2 jobs one is a youth pastor) and beg him to take care of the kids because I was afraid I might just lose it. I am also pregnant with #4 and my oldest is 4 and I’m due 4 weeks from now. I have the same desparation towards God and have recently felt some lifting and encouragement but here I am again at the bottom. Thank you for sharing and I’m hopeful that I will be able to look back and say I made it through the most difficult time of my life and God was there and still is.
Amy,
I too am a pastors wife and have struggled with depression. I have suffered with depression three times. It’s a misserable feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. There was a time that I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel either. I could sit in a room filled to the brim with family, friends and church members and still feel like I was so alone! The depression still tries to come on me and it’s a constant battle to fight it off. It does wear you out. I constantly struggle with feeling guilty, inadequate, no good, etc. I constantly deal with an overwhelming fear about everything. I ask myself all the time why did God choose me to be a pastors wife – I’m no good at it? I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way, I’m a pastor’s wife, I’m a christian, I shouldn’t deal with depression, fear, insecurity,etc. What’s wrong with me? People tell me I can’t let the church see me like this, I can’t let them see me down. I understand that but shouldn’t they also see that you’re human and not perfect. I constantly hear from congregational members and laypersons what my “JOB” is as a pastor’s wife. I stay so busy trying to live up to other people’s expectations that I seem to lose myself! I keep praying through it and hanging on to God and I have my husband and a couple of good friends that I can talk to that I can trust! I keep hanging in there because I know God is real and he’ll get me through this and it’ll be worth it in the end! It’s hard for me to tell people how I feel because I am a pastor’s wife and I know that a lot of people think I shouldn’t feel like that or deal with issues like that. Anyway, I just want to thank you for putting your story on here. God Bless You!
Amy,
I came across your website looking for some good sites for my wife, a pastor’s wife, to go to. We are in our 4th church in 27 years of ministry and in the last three churches we have been beaten up very badly by members and sometimes leaders in our congregations. Christians often act worst then unbelievers. A sad truth to many pastors and their wives are finding out.
In our situation, the depression and anxiety was my curse. The description of what you went through is very much what I have gone through not once, but twice in the ministry. The first time I was out of the pulpit for a month and the second time two months. My Father, a retired pastor, has gone through it, so did his mother, and do does our daughter. I have had many tell me my problem is due to a sin issue and if this sin was dealt with the problem would go away. So far from the truth!
With good counseling and proper medication I am doing well now. For my father and for myself leaving the ministry was not an option God allowed us though there have been many times I wished for it. But God has always been there and has always given me the grace to get through the tough times.
God has used my experiences to reach out and help many who are going through the same thing but are too embarrassed to tell anyone. Once you have been through you can usually tell when others are going through it as well.
I have never hid my struggles from my congregations. How can others know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there is help available if someone does not tell them. I commend you for the courage you have in telling your story.
I am reading these blogs and I am amazed how many current and former pastors wives have gone through depression. My husband left the ministry after 16 years because it took a toll on our whole family. Does the congregation ever realize how truly difficult it is to be where we are? Constantly pleasing, constantly putting others before ourselves? I watched as my husband tried and tried and even our kids. My husband got blamed for the music not being good enough,etc….people would up and leave the church and very close friendships would break up over issues such as that…Come on…is this what the church is supposed to be like? I am in the transition phase…been out of the ministry for six months now..and am actually enjoying it…our family is as close as ever and I love my husband even more…bless you all for all you’ve been through…I’m sorry what struggles you’ve had but God will persevere and see us all through this…Thank you so much Amy for keeping it real!! You are awesome! Annie
I am in tears, remembering when my first daughter was born, and I had debilitating depression and anxiety. I remember thinking that I finally understood how someone could commit suicide – to do anything to stop feeling that black hole in my heart.
Like you, I am so thankful for my husband who helped lift me out of it (along with my doctor and some good medication!) and God who has used it to help others.
I know He is going to use you to lift many out of their pit of despair!
Amy…you are not alone…people are just dumb sheep…God is faithful…no matter what comes your way have no fear for He is on the side of the righteous.
Thanks, Amy. So glad you’re back to blogging. It’s absolutely amazing to read the words that I have felt so often. When you’re in that situation, you feel so alone and confused and misunderstood – no one can possibly help. It’s been a long time since I’ve been at the bottom, but our Rock is waiting every time. It’s much more fun up here, though!
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Hi, Amy.
I am reaching and in the stage of fed up being a pastors wife(or what other names the church circle gives it).And googling for other who surely have similar problems , even if they may be few of them out there? And read your rock bottom.Well i can only say, good on you that you dare write and expose it out.You are certainly not a hipocrite as most christians.
I know that what you went through was real as Jesus was a real human being.
And for your husband to take that wake up call and attend to first hand matters,(that i called the will of God) good on him too as he is a real person.Most so called man of god would do all they can in their powers(ego) to tuck it somewhere.
My husband was a great man(real) when i met him and was true to his self. But as the years went by, he became what they say a pastor.
and truly that is what he is, he is not a husband, friend, my other half.
So here is where i am in our husband and wife relationship, if christians called this one.
I am thinking alot and afraid that things must blow up.Why must i always think of him and always worry that it will mess up for him?
What about me? It is messing me most of the time and i dont want to lie to myself most of all?
Dear Amy,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Mine is a combination of Amy and Selah’s stories. I went through 2 major depressions and a devastating miscarriage. The weight of my husband and the church’s expectations, my husband’s controlling nature and always choosing them and his friends over me, my shouldering the greater financial burden in the home, it all drove me to near insanity. I had gotten to the point where i didnt even want his children. I was under pressure from him and the church to stop working outside the church and i quit my job. later on discovered i had a baby on the way. i tried to get rid of him but the Lord had other plans. I took my time at home to deal with my crap – see why i really got married and face facts about myself and my marriage and this helped me accept my child and love him dearly before he was born. I named him Joel to always remind me that the LORD is God no matter what my situation or circumstances are. I know every parent thinks their children are wonderful but Joel is truly a God-send. He is a very expressive child and his hugs and ‘I wav you Mummy’s fill an unbelievably big void for love that i had. God used that time apart to help me deal with my crap and now, even though things with the hubby are still the same, my attitude is different because my children give me new meaning and a reason for living. My husband will never leave ministry and there are paths he is interested in taking that i know i am not called for and have told him as much, but till then i take each day as it comes, love my children into the godly adults i pray they will be and work on work and being a better christian. the story continues….
Wow, thanks all for sharing your stories. I’m so sorry so many can relate…and yet at the same time, grateful for the understanding. Many blessings to each of you.
wow, I’m so glad you’re doing better…can relate to the feelings of slogging some days, esp when God’s answers are not the ones we’re praying for….
Mary
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Thank you so much for posting this!! It explains better than I ever could how I’m feeling. We’ve been in married for 1.5 years and at our first church that whole time. I’ve been miserable for much of this time. I have no friends at our church (or in our city) and am unemployed. Many days I wonder why bother to even wake up. I love my husband very much and I know he is called by God to serve. I’m just terrified that this is the way the rest of my life is going to be – that feeling that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I’m afraid that we are missing out on what is supposed to be one of the most fun times in your life, the young married with no kids stage. I’m glad to know that other people experience this and come through it. Thanks again so much for this post…