My dark year of the soul

July 31, 2008

It’s been 14 months since I last posted. I think it’s high time for an update.

  1. got pregnant with Baby #4
  2. got sick during pregnancy with Baby #4
  3. spent 2 months curled up in a ball on the floor thinking it was due to Baby #4 but later realized it was due to depression
  4. had intense marital problems the entire summer of ‘07
  5. finally had a breakthrough when we realized I was depressed
  6. husband chose to resign 2 days later knowing his job as senior pastor was a huge factor in my depression
  7. sold our house 1 week later
  8. sold about 1/3 of our belongings and packed the rest in a POD
  9. loaded ourselves and our (then) 3 children in our two cars and drove across the country to my parents’ house because we had nowhere else to go
  10. gave birth to Baby #4
  11. all 6 of us lived with my parents for 6 months (my parents deserve a reward)
  12. husband found a job through a divine course of events
  13. bought & moved into a house 10 miles from my parents
  14. struggled with continue to struggle with guilt for not being able to hack it as a pastor’s wife, for causing my husband to give up his vision in exchange for a job he loathes and for the damage I caused to everyone while I was curled up on the floor and barely functioning (see #3)
  15. giving thanks for a husband who is self-sacrificing, kids who are resilient, parents who are supportive, friends who are encouraging and a God who restores hope, bestows grace, fills in the places where I lack and never let’s go despite how dark it seems to me. Praise Him.

More details to come…


Category: Life, Love

Comments

12 Responses to “My dark year of the soul”

  1. chuggie
    July 31st, 2008 @ 2:45 pm

    I am so very sorry to hear about your year. I found your blog in Spring of ‘07 and found it to be a source of encouragement, laughter, and hope for me. I was not yet a pastor’s wife, but needed some insight into “the life”. My last few years have been….tumultuous to say the least. I have occasionally checked back to see if you were back. I am glad you are, but I am sad at your circumstances. It is difficult for me to “speak” my heart to you in the comment section, as I am a VERY private person. So much of your story resonates in me and my heart is broken for you. I tried to contact you through the “conact” venue, but I’m guessing your email is different. I would love to be able to communicate with you…encouragement, hope, and understanding. Perhaps I would like a “friend” that isn’t connected to my sphere that understands my heart as well.God has already used you in my life and I am thankful. He used you today. I am praying for you.

  2. amy
    August 1st, 2008 @ 8:17 pm

    Chuggie, thanks for your encouragement. I’m humbled that this site has been helpful to you. Feel free to email me. Thanks for the head’s up about the contact page; it’s fixed now.

  3. withpurpose » Blog Archive » The bright spot in my dark year
    August 1st, 2008 @ 8:36 pm

    [...] Life, Parenting So as I mentioned in my last post, 2007 is not a year I will remember fondly.  January 2008, however, made it all worth it.  We [...]

  4. 4daisies
    August 3rd, 2008 @ 4:32 pm

    Thank you for sharing this Amy. And love the picture of your beautiful children! :) I read your blog awhile ago and still had you on my bloglines so was pleasantly surprised to see you blogging again! Also frequently read the pastor’s wives forum you started. I am so sorry to hear of the pain and struggle you have gone through recently. I hope you are experiencing joy and hope again. As someone who is currently in the midst of a depression battle (with 4 kids to manage too) I know it is a long road and I am very interested in your story and how you are finding healing/coping/etc. Blessings and prayers for you and your family.

  5. Not Your Typical Pastor’s Wife - My rock bottom
    August 4th, 2008 @ 3:31 pm

    [...] in my other post, I promised more details regarding my prolonged blogging absence. Why I make promises like that, [...]

  6. withpurpose - My year away
    August 5th, 2008 @ 7:16 am

    [...] My dark year of the soul [...]

  7. Robin
    August 20th, 2008 @ 6:43 pm

    It’s very difficult being a Pastor’s wife in 1994. Raised our kids as PK’S, oldest 12, and youngest 9, I was one for 13 1/2 years, and I too became depressed, but my husband didn’t understand, I withdrew from people, and it was very rough time, also had marital problems, husband busy and away with church things a lot, children missing their dad, and 2 years ago we both came to the conclusion that “we” needed a change, unfortunately it was after our boys were grown and out of the house, but for almost 2 years we prayed about what to do. God knew we needed a change, he opened a “door” for us, in different ministry, as caretakers for a Christian youth camp. We feel truly blessed to be in this new ministry, the potential for growth is limitless, my “close ” friends have mentioned that they now hear “joy” in my voice and see it on my face when they see me. I too, felt guilty about my husband leaving his pulpit, but we now have a new home, a new ministry, a new church that loves us dearly, we aren’t ridiculed, criticized or picked apart anymore. God gave us this, for that I am thankful….
    and my husband still holds ordination, so we are “never saying never” to pastoring a church again, but he is able to fill pulpits, and teach at our church.
    God is good. It is just a shame that at times it takes such drastic actions for God to wake us up.
    THANK YOU FOR YOUR STORY.
    I am still a Pastor’s wife and will continue to minister, just don’t have a congregation to be responsible for.

  8. amy
    August 20th, 2008 @ 8:11 pm

    Thanks Robin…it’s so good to hear that I’m not the only one. God bless you in your new role–sounds great!

  9. Lynn
    August 26th, 2008 @ 2:07 pm

    I am very sorry to hear about your “year”. Thanks for returning to your blog. I love it.
    Lyn

  10. Daiquiri
    August 27th, 2008 @ 1:42 pm

    I can relate - you are not alone! I struggled with severe post partum depression after the birth of my 2nd child. It got better with medication. I went on to have 2 more children, but the depression during my last pregancy (even with meds) was almost unbearable. Lots of time spent curled up in a ball!

    Blessings to you and yours.

    Daiquiri

  11. Andrea
    September 13th, 2008 @ 9:14 pm

    Hmmmm… My husband is extremely depressed and hates his job as a youth pastor. He wants to quit but with our house payment I have said he can’t until he finds another job. How do I know if I should take the leap of faith and just assume the the house will get sold? My mind is so focused on our financial safety but he is becoming more and more physically and mentally ill from the stress of his job. I will continue to pray that we are led to do the right thing…

  12. Indira
    October 1st, 2008 @ 10:33 am

    I just want to thank you for being so honest and open. I did a search on google for pastor’s wife and somehow I ran across your blog. I know it was one of those “God incidents” and I have already received so much for just this one post. Thanks, again! Indira

Leave a Reply