Another answer to a question from this original post.
Amy asks:
Thanks for throwing it wide open. I’d love to know what kind of role you take on yourself as the wife of a pastor. How do you interact with the people in your congregation? How do you stay connected to the congregation without being completely open in areas where you can’t be, i.e. your husband’s ministry and it’s impact on your marriage? Also, how do you maintain boundaries for your family and keep ministry where it should be?
Hey Amy. Cool name.
Wow, tough questions. I’m not exactly sure what you mean when you say “what kind of role you take on yourself as the wife of a pastor” but I’ll just talk about my experience and hopefully will answer your questions.
I have no idea how to be a pastor’s wife. My husband went to seminary where he learned how to be a pastor and for as much is expected of pastors’ wives, it’s rather unfortunate there’s no Pastor’s Wife 101 class for us. The truth is, I totally wing it. (And so does every other PW on the face of the earth. That’s my theory anyway.) In reality, I can do nothing except be myself. Cheesy but true.
I am 100% certain God called my husband to be the pastor of our church. I’m also 100% sure I’m supposed to be my husband’s wife. Therefore, I can safely assume I am supposed to be the pastor’s wife at this church at this time. Scary if you ask me, but who am I to question God.
As for knowing what to share and what not to share, I’m pretty comfortable sharing most things about me and my life. I typically don’t just offer my innermost thoughts unsolicited, but if I feel like my experience is relevant, I generally don’t have a problem “lettin’ it all hang out” as my father would say. Some of the most valuable things I’ve learned in life have been from people who were willing to share openly the not-so-glamorous parts of their lives. If someone can learn a thing or two from my dumb mistakes or if my experience assures them that they are not alone in their own struggle then it’s one more way of experiencing God’s redemption as I see it.
Having said that, there are some things I will not share with the masses. I am blessed to have a small group of women with whom I can share most everything else. It’s great to have a place where I can be myself and know I will be encouraged, supported and prayed for. Beyond that, I have one very close friend not associated with the church at all. I can’t think of one thing I would not share with her. She is a kindred spirit and an absolute gift.
And boundaries. Ministry has a way of creeping into every area of life. Admittedly, I’m not very good at keeping them separate. Nevertheless, I can tell pretty quickly when I need a break from church stuff. For example, when I’m overwhelmed with the urge to run away to the nearest cave and post a sign at the entrance which reads, “WARNING. BEWARE OF PASTOR’S WIFE. ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. PREPARE TO DIE.”, that’s a pretty good sign.
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Hi there. I'm Amy. I write here about my life and my issues. I also design blogs and websites at 
as a PW and a MW (serving in Russia) I am all for having the closest friend be someone not from your church. My best friend and I have never attended the same anything except university!
and if there ever was a Pastor’s Wife 101 class.. I cannot imagine the poor old worn out woman who would teach it! LOL!
Thanks for answering my questions, Amy. I appreciate that you are willing to let it all hang out – I guess I would be more willing to do that than my husband the pastor would like me to, for various reasons. And I do find that it is good and essential to have good friends outside the church! Also, I meant about taking on the role of a pastor’s wife, that we as PW’s have the option to be who we want to support our husbands’ ministry, and not to take on the expectations of others of what we should be. So, what do you choose to be? I choose to use the gifts God has given me in supporting and participating in situations that my husband could use these gifts – I’m definitely more emotional and able to have compassion with women and young people. Just interested to hear what ministries you are involved with at your church.
As for boundaries, it is hard, is it not, to keep people from interrupting home life, and hard to keep your husband from thinking about ministry stuff 24-7. I find that I need to continually find opportunities to get us out of town, where we won’t keep running into church people!
Thanks again – I really love this blog!
At my Bible college, there was a class for future pastor’s wives. But I didn’t think I’d be one and I didn’t take the class!
I have friends outside of the community. It has been crazy trying to make them here. For example, one of my daughter’s classmate’s mothers once told me to my face that I needed to make friends elsewhere; she didn’t appreciate my “barging” in on her “clique.” After she gave me the cold shoulder that is when I thought we were becoming friends. I guess not!
Another ex-church member befriended me and her children befriended my daughter when we first moved here UNTIL I would not back her up on her trying to tell my husband that he should get rid of the idea behind the Education program. She never came or brought her children to this program but had the chance to decide when to come and help out; she just didn’t want to so the committee and the teachers decided to go ahead and have it without her. Then, she showed up and whined and fussed that she and her kids were being left out, she called me to complain, moan and whine and tried to talk me into making more trouble and I refused. Then, she hit me with the words: “I thought we were good friends as good friends do things for others as I did for you, the pastor and daughter!” I replied “I did not know that friendship came with strings attached!” This made her mad and she threatened to leave the church. I said that we would not want to see her go. The bad thing was that she told them entire neighborhood about how bad my husband and I were. Oh well….the good thing: people bad-mouth her alot. She is a trouble-maker at the PTO and other community related functions. Our church should miss her but no one complains that she has left. I sent her a card soon after apologizing for not being able to help her and to explain that we did not want to lose her or the children but she never came back. Her loss but, I just will not let anyone tell me that my husband is a bad person and does not know what he is doing. They can turn the entire congregation against me for all I care!
Sorry so long a note!
Jill
Being the wife of a pastor has it ups and downs. There is so much love in our congregation, when we adopted our grandkids the whole church was with us and help us. Then there are those rare occasions when you think you are doing evrything right and end up offending someone who gets on the phone and stirs up the whole body, you end up clueless, hurt and wondering what lesson am I going to learn from this. God does have a purpose for all things. I have learned many valuable lessons from the ladies in our church. I will never get used to te surprises that arrise during business meetings.
Susie
I am about to change from being a YPW (Youth Pastor’s Wife) to a PW… and I gotta admit, I’m a little anxious about it. I’ve always flown under the radar, and the thought of everyone watching me so closely makes me a tad bit worried. Add to that a cross country move with two elementary kids in tow and… you might get the picture.
This is a great site. I wish I would remember to come back here, and that I had time to develop friendships online like this… but honestly I guess I’m just used to friendships in the flesh…
At any rate, Amy, this is a great ministry. You’ve allowed people of all walks of life to see into our world. To see that we have anxiety attacks, eat PB&J, and love the Lord… props to ya. You are so like me (I bet you get that all the time… ) that I feel like I’m reading my own journal here tonight.
Great job, keep up the good work.