More soul searching

June 24, 2006

Regarding my last post…

Thank you to those of you who expressed support in your comments. I appreciate your encouragement and your feedback.

At the same time, I’m of the opinion that there is generally some sort of growth potential in any situation, no matter how uncomfortable it is to walk through. Maybe I don’t know when to let an issue go, but I continue to mull over the things Carolin P. brought up, like, for example, whether or not I’m bitter. I think it’s a good question to ask myself.

I was interested to see that Carolin left another comment in response to my last post (or, in response to all the comments everyone else left on my last post).

Carolin,

I definitely want to hear you. I must admit, some of the things you’ve said have been slightly painful, but nevertheless, I think you’ve raised some valid questions and I’d like to explore them. I hope you’ll be willing to clarify a few things.

First, regarding the post which seemed to get this ball rolling, I wonder if a little more explanation would be helpful. I made the comment about “throwing the bad ones back” in a casual setting and completely in jest. I think it’s safe to say that all who were present took it as such. Granted, it was probably a little “edgy” in nature and it is true that there are very often individuals in the church that are challenging to deal with. However, my comment was not intended as, nor understood as (as far as I can tell), my heartfelt wish that any fellow believer become an unbeliever (or anything similar).

I was unable to ascertain from your comments whether or not you are a pastor’s wife yourself. Just wondering if you are and if so, for how long? The reason I ask is because I’m genuinely intrigued by your following statement:

For goodness sake, let’s all take a more simpler, organic approach to being the wife of a pastor. I get the feeling that, in her attempt to be “not the typical Pastors wife” that Amy, and so many other wives of pastors, have actually in some way built up this PW thing to be bigger than it is…

Obviously I have not met all PW’s, however, I don’t ever recall a PW describe her experience as being simple or no big deal. To the contrary, the PW’s I’ve encountered generally express their surprise at how difficult, challenging, stretching, complex and/or overwhelming the role really is. Therefore, if you are a PW, as I said, I’m genuinely interested in hearing your story, because when you said,

…from reading through this blog, I sense that, in general, she[Amy] feels inadequate and insecure about her job and her performance…which might breed the hint of bitterness and anxiety I detect,

a lot of what you sense is correct. I do feel inadequate. I do feel insecure about my “job” and my “performance.” That’s exactly what I feel and that’s a lot of what this blog is about—me working through it. I certainly don’t want those feelings to breed sin, whether it be bitterness or anything else, but I don’t think the struggle itself is wrong nor is it necessarily something to be avoided.

And regarding your statement:

Yes, being the pastors wife comes with expectations from others…but maybe the bulk of those expectations come from things of the world and the traditions of man (i.e., the title “First Lady” implies a lot).

I would agree that the bulk of the expectations PW’s feel comes from “the world and the traditions of man.” So, assuming that’s true, what should we do with them? I know I speak for many PW’s when I say that those expectations are not easily discarded or disregarded. They are real and often burdensome. For many, it is unbelievably difficult to navigate through them, especially when they are so varied in nature, when they come from so many people, when they are impossible to live up to and/or when they are inextricably tied to one’s own personal life and marriage.

I welcome your thoughts…

Amy

Related posts:

  1. Soul searching
  2. What Pastors’ Wives Really Want
  3. What would you say…?
  4. Hey Pastors’ Wives
  5. My dark year of the soul

Category: My Deep Thoughts, Pastors' Wives

Comments

18 Responses to “More soul searching”

  1. Caroline
    June 25th, 2006 @ 9:54 am

    but I continue to mull over the things Carolin P. brought up, like, for example, whether or not I’m bitter.

    Amy, I’ve been reading your blog for many moons now. Bitter is NOT a word to describe you.

    There are many … many … other things I could comment upon in Carolin’s note, but I imagine you’ve already done that. Trying to make sense of every contradiction and accusation will just drive you batty.

    You like every Christian are both sinner and saint. With humor and care your writing reflects that struggle. It is precisely that reason why this first troubled you so. Was she right? I, for one, don’t believe so.

  2. Stacy
    June 25th, 2006 @ 1:54 pm

    When I read that post that got this all started I laughed so hard I almost spit my coffee out. How many times have I felt that way myself? Many, many times (especially as a YP wife – parents are the ones I feel that way about). I took your comment as something you were sharing with others who have walked in your shoes (PW’s).
    The soul searching you are doing is extreemly mature. I also know that it is causing me to do the same soul seraching.
    Thanks for always keeping your blog “real”. It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one who sometimes has those thoughts (and struggles).

  3. JoyM
    June 25th, 2006 @ 4:59 pm

    God has definitely used your blog to help me in my new role as PW. I often feel like I’m losing my mind because so many people want to define my role and no two opinions of what I should do or be are the same. It is mind boggling how people react when you don’t meet their expectations! It can be very lonely and gut-wrenching. Your writings let me know that I’m not alone. I simply can’t identify with Carolin P – our worlds are far apart. My life as PW as proven edgy, demanding, and anything but simple. Your writings ring so true of my own thoughts and the truths that I can speak of with only a very few accepting friends. Please stay true to the woman God created and gifted you to be. He is using you to minister to me and evidently many others. There are plenty of other blogs out there for anyone who is looking for a different format or tone. Yours is what I love and the ONLY one that I have found worth reading. Keep the edge!

  4. Jessica V
    June 25th, 2006 @ 5:08 pm

    I know Amy personally. I was in the group when the comment was made and I have been a witness to how gracefully she handles her role as wife, mother, and a PW.

    I think the comment was more of an honest reaction that some of us have when we consider the lost. We may not want to embrace the homeless, mentally ill, or even a politician we dislike. But through Christ we can reach those people even if our first instinct is to “throw them back.”

    I’ve seen Amy step out of her comfort zone many times to reach people. As she has stated here, she’s an introvert. She has to “die to the self” every time she meets newcomers, opens up her home, and invests in other people’s lives. It might be easy to some people but in others it can be a huge risk. I think Amy has given a voice to those whom God has called into ministry by default. (what I mean is- it’s God’s plan that she is here but she didn’t necessarily chose the role for herself)

    Finally, I can say without hesitation that Amy is NOT bitter. She may deal with anxiety and “have issues” but we all do. The difference is she takes these things to the Lord and doesn’t pretend that she has it all together. She sees the humor in day to day life and extends the grace God has given her to everyone she meets.

  5. crickl's nest
    June 25th, 2006 @ 6:20 pm

    Whether you have some bitterness to deal with is really between you and the Lord, Amy. I have had to deal with it at different times in ministry before…it’s not unusual. I don’t detect it though when I’m reading this blog.

    As far as blowing the PW thing out of proportion, it depends on the specific church or denomination. I have never felt pressure to perform a certain way as a PW….I’ve always been able to be myself with the few congregations we’ve been involved in….I really have no complaints as far as how people have treated me.

    But being a PW does mean that quite often your husband…flesh of your flesh…is under attack or criticized or misunderstood. It IS different than being an average church member in that way and I think that is where I feel such a kindred spirit with other PW’s….in trying to support our husbands. We often see the part of church people that is unattractive and hurtful through our husbands.

    So I think we all understand when you say in jest “throw back the bad ones.” doesn’t mean people who have problems or hangups, but people who cause trouble in churches……and I know that was only in jest too, an honest, gut reaction from someone who has probably seen a few ‘bad ones.’

    Carolin, I’m sorry this caused you some grief to see some honest dialog between pastor’s wives, but there has to be some place we can let down and talk about things honestly. Sometimes honest comes out looking like bitterness or insecurity. But those are honest emotions too, aren’t they? (speaking of organic and simple)

    I can see that Amy loves God, the church and her family. She encourages us to do the same in a humorous way that I find really lightens of the load we carry. Sometimes reading this or other PW blogs, I just let out a breath that seems to have built up inside me and say, “Wow, someone understands.”

    Christie

  6. Monique
    June 25th, 2006 @ 9:30 pm

    Amy, I so appreciate your blog and your candid approach to dealing with emotions and struggles in the ministry. I like to use the analogy that when your husband is a minister he is in the “front lines” of a spiritual war that is being fought. And, you better believe that his family is there right along side him. There are so many incredibly complex issues that we deal with that those who are not in the ministry have not an inkling to what it really is like. How do wives deal with the criticism our husbands get on a regular basis. Especially if your husband is the type of Pastor that is more interested in saving souls than being popular, he will get a lot. Or better yet, the criticisms we hear about our children. How do we deal with the disappointment of having to postpone yet another family vacation because a member in the church has had a crisis. How do we explain to our children that your best friends’ mother will no longer let their friend visit because they are upset with daddy. How do we deal with a divorced woman in the church who has developed an unhealthy affinity to her pastor (your husband) and still treat her like a sister in Christ. We all have plenty more stories to tell. What I’m trying to say is these are REAL issues that PW’s go through and there needs to be an avenue to deal with them and what a better place than with other PW’s. I find it ironic that Caroline P. described Amy as bitter, when it was Caroline P’s comments that just screamed bitter to me. Amy, I find your blog very uplifting and spiritual. Spiritual on a deeper level that some may not appreciate. PLEASE keep blogging and please stay true for all of us out there who also want to be REAL!

  7. Kirken
    June 25th, 2006 @ 11:06 pm

    Amy, I find that Carolin is being a bit judgemental towards you. No one is perfect that is why God sent his only and only Son to die for all of our sakes. God also did not make us all the same, we all have different personalities and talents. I am terrified of becoming a PW. I still have 7 years before he is done school (he is taking some university classes at home until I am done my classes) and already I am having fears. But I know that God has a plan for my hubby and I and I know that He brought me to your blog to help me draw from your insight and life. Thank you for being so honest and I get quite the lift from reading about you and your family.

  8. Dena
    June 26th, 2006 @ 8:55 am

    I’ve often felt the same way as Carolin: that we ought to take a simpler, more organic approach to being a pastor’s wife. It just doesn’t seem to work out that way. Maybe it is life in America, but even in scripture it talks about the wives of the leaders. Maybe this has always been an issue? I wrote a post on what it’s like to married to the preacher, and I linked to that post specifically (instead of my main blog page).

    I thought the original post/comment was hilarious, and so did my dh. I think God is great, but he sure does hang around some questionable characters. I also think it was great that you’re doing the soul searching and giving God opportunity to speak to you…to “work out your salvation.” Life — in whatever specific circumstances you find yourself — certainly offers plenty of opportunities to become bitter.

    I feel like there’s so much to say about this, but I have a feeling there will be plenty of opportunities to discuss it. ;-)

    I’m anxious to poke around on the forum, and I can’t wait to get a T-shirt!

  9. joannmski
    June 26th, 2006 @ 12:57 pm

    I am tired of Carolin P. and her judgemental criticism. I suggest she visit other blogs in order to meet her needs.
    Amy, you’ve done a great job with both your blog and creating community among PWs and we really appreciate that and thank God for you.

  10. Jessica
    June 27th, 2006 @ 10:00 am

    I agree with joannmski. There are plenty of blogs out there if this one doesn’t suit her fancy. It was very spiritually mature of you to examine yourself. Whether or not you have some bitterness problem is between you and God. The majority vote has said that it doesn’t come through to us on your website if you do. Being a pastor’s wife is such a tough thing. We have no job description and so many expectations. In the last 24 hours I have had 2 people outline to me things that the THINK I should be doing as a pastors wife. Both were different. I imagine every one of our members has a different idea. That doesn’t even touch on their ideas about how my children should act. I better add a disclaimer before I get a comment from Carolin P. I love my church and our members. They are very good to us and I truly think that they don’t know what they are doing. It isn’t intentional. I don’t hold a grudge, nor am I bitter. I just find it odd.

  11. chesedj
    July 6th, 2006 @ 3:59 am

    This is my first time on your site and I’ve enjoyed reading your and your readers’ comments. I’ve learned a lot about myself and pw’s in general. I made up my mind as did my husband that we would never be a pastor and pw. God does love us when we think we have a choice in those things. We were the only ones surprised to find ourselves in these roles. I’ve noticed that we(pw’s) often think a lot alike and that I’ve been in the position of dealing with others’ expectations my whole life. I just realized God has been grooming me for this in unorthodox ways my whole life, saved and unsaved! Thanks for helping me see that. Btw, in lots of professions(police, doctors, judges, teachers, … seeemingly inappropriate jokes and comments are made that shock only the new recruits and the outsiders. It’s healthy and is a natural mechanism many use for coping with unnatural/out of the ordinary circumstances and professions. Also, I’m so proud of you for taking the time to do some honest soul searching rather than just patting her on the head as someone who might be inexperienced in your heels.

  12. Maiju
    July 8th, 2006 @ 3:07 pm

    Hi Amy! I enjoy your blog and find it spiritually uplifting many times.

    I’m not a pastors wife so I can’t totally understand your situation. But as teacher and now as a vice principal I think I face many similar things than you do in a smaller scale.

    I get a lot of expactations and if some of the parents think i did well some think I didn’t. I do my work with my whole heart giving my soul into it. So it’s hard when others don’t see it. I also don’t think that it’s fair that when I accused of many things all i can do is smile back and tell that I’m sorry if i offended someone. I always have to be the one who is the “bigger person” trying to forget that I got hurt. In stead I give love back (of course that doesn’t happen everytime while I’m a human – but I should).

    What I’m trying to tell is that I totally understand the feeling when you get frustrated with others and would like to throw the bad ones back etc. (I understand the joke and I could relate to he feeling). Still I think it’s wrong for you to say it out loud. As it is for me to curse some parents in my mind. We just have to live in that situation and take that matter to God.

    I was very upset with one mother once and decided that now I don’t work with her any more. Two days past she told she has a cancer. Then I realized that we all have our own burdens to carry and now it’s my duty to help this family in their trial. O’boy it was hard!

    Anyway as humans we can’t live the expactations of others and ourselves many times but let’s keep on trying. Blessings to you!

  13. Andrea
    July 9th, 2006 @ 5:03 pm

    Amy,

    God has used your blog, your expression of your struggles and revealing some of who you really are to make me feel more comfortable being who I am (PW or not). I am a pastor’s wife and I don’t know what it even means to be simple and organic. Sounds like food.

    Life, itself is not simple. Throw in being under the looking glass and expected to always do things the right way and not be HUMAN makes being a pastor’s wife more difficult. It’s a confusing role and I think Carolin’s reactions to you being real and not a painted, silent trophy on the arm of a pastor is evidence that not enough attention, help and instruction are given to us in how to “be a pastor’s wife.” And evidence that many do not understand what it means to be a PW.–that it means something.

    I’ve gotten two pieces of advice on how to be a “pastor’s wife”, which is more of a job description than an adjective than previously thought:

    1. Be yourself
    2. Be a wife to your husband

    If only it were that organic…

    That’s as simple as it gets. And I’d like to meet the person who honestly has experienced the simplicity of of those two things.

    Amy thank you for blogging, keep it up and keep being real. One of the challenges of being known only by written word is that our words, our tone and our meaning go unnoticed and misunderstood.

  14. TKls2myhrt
    July 10th, 2006 @ 10:34 am

    Dear Amy,

    I am not a pastor’s wife, but I’d like to comment from the point of view as of a fellow Christian and a blogkeeper for the past two years. My one recommendation to any blogger, new or otherwise, is to be yourself and stick to whatever your original blog goals were in the first place. Readers and commmenters will come and go. Some comments may bite, but your blog is not the place for any reader to give you free analysis. Any true concerns should be submitted to a blog-keeper privately. Turn to those who truly know you for any personal advice. I love your blog for its honest commentary on life. Do not change because someone doesn’t happen to like it. As another great blogger once wrote: “If you don’t like it, go away.”

  15. Kathryn
    July 17th, 2006 @ 9:49 pm

    I am not a PW, but I am a PK. Often, the family is on the front lines with the pastor. I can imagine there were Biblical spouses like Lappidoth or Shallum who also felt those pressures. They had godly wives who were leaders and they lived in patriarchal times, so I think the pressures were probably even stronger for them. Keep it honest, Amy. Keep letting people see your heart.

  16. Robert
    August 12th, 2006 @ 1:08 am

    I am not a PW came across your wonderful blog via another one i am a former pastor and knowing many pastors and their wives i think you display an openness honesty and humor that enriches the spirit of anyone who comes and reads. its obvious to me by the few comments you have on just this thread alone that you are a blessing and encourager to many PW’s Amy. Praise God you struggle with issues in your life and willingly question them. I share with most of my dear sisters on here KEEP GOING!! My sister is secretary at our church i think ill send her here she sure would enjoy all of you!!!! One question to ask all of you PW’s… do you tell your husband he cant hug his secretary??? Curious because my pastor was told that by his wife does make sense because of the realtionship would be very tempting st times :)

  17. Julie B
    April 5th, 2007 @ 9:11 pm

    I am the pastor’s wife in a church where we have 6 retired ministers’ wives attending due to a retirement home for retired ministers in our area. I don’t feel like I have a voice. I have even been “corrected” during a Bible Study by one of these retired ministers’ wives. Needless to say, I never went back. How would you handle a situation like this?

  18. Katie
    October 16th, 2008 @ 11:30 am

    Hey Amy! This is Katie from PNG. I came across your blog on your facebook and have been reading through it a little. I just wanted to say that I am an optimist and so far from being a perfectionist that it’s sad, and of course, I’m not a pastor’s wife. So I really have no way of relating to the situation of a pastor’s wife. Anyway, having completely disqualified myself from saying anything, now, I’m going to say something. ;oD

    When I was 25, I met a pastor’s wife who changed my life as a woman. She wrote a book about 5 years after I lived with her family and worked in their ministry. I know you have probably had every book on the planet suggested to you. Anyway, I guess I’m going to add another one to the list. (Do I hear all the pastor’s wives snarling “drats…curses upon her for recommending another book”? Hee hee.) It’s called “Created To Be His Helpmeet”. http://shop.nogreaterjoy.org/ People seem to either HATE it or love it.

    Anyway, you’re posts rock! They have made me laugh, and one actually made me cry. You sound like one awesomely tough woman (that’s a compliment)that’s been lavished with grace, and continues choosing obedience when obedience is a hard choice. And it sounds like you’ve got an amazingly God-fearing, loving husband.

    Looking back, I see this response doesn’t even really fit here. Oh well, chicken smell. What can I say? =oD

    Love to you!