What Pastors’ Wives Really Want

March 28, 2006

Mike recently left the following comment in response to my post, You May Feel Alone, but You’re Not. Given that he asks such an EXCELLENT question (and a question which is so rarely asked—do I hear an “Amen!” PW’s?), I thought his comment deserved a place of higher honor (i.e. a post all to itself as opposed to a comment which runs the risk of getting lost in the bowels of this wacky site).

So PW’s, speak up! Before you lies a golden opportunity to share your thoughts, comments and ideas about this crazy world of pastor’s wifedom.

Here’s Mike’s comment:

So, I found your site today while looking for some perspective on being a pw. I have a calling on my life to pastor and really want to make it easier for my wife. My question is; what could your husbands do to help? I’m thinking of some simple things like always referring to [my wife] by name rather than ‘my lovely wife.’ But what else?

Let ‘er rip, ladies.

Category: Love, Marriage, Pastors, Pastors' Wives

Comments

27 Responses to “What Pastors’ Wives Really Want”

  1. Stacy
    March 28th, 2006 @ 11:47 pm

    I know for me the biggest thing is knowing events that are going on. My husband brings his calender to me when planning events, I look it over and if needed veto any event if it has a family conflict. We are also very lucky to serve at a church that doesn’t expect us to be there everytime the doors are open. Our Leadership Team (Elders & decons) don’t want pastor’s out every night of the week and we have a three night out rule. There are some weeks that this is unavoidable, but those are the exceptions rather than the norm.
    The other thing that my husband does is protect me from things I really don’t need to know. Since my husband is a YP we always have some parent that thinks that he doesn’t do enough for their student. He doesn’t tell me these things so that I’m not sitting in church thinking poorly of someone. We had to learn this one the hard way. We are a couple that always talks and shares and for a long time he thought he was hiding things from me by not telling me. I had to give him permision to not tell me everything, that he wasn’t being dishonest with me.
    I would also try your hardest to make sure that you treat her like she (and your family) are of highest importance. Don’t make her (or them) feel like they come in second behind the church. Your priority should be God, wife/family, church. I know we never want our kids to feel like they weren’t as important as ministry.
    A well known Youth Pastor’s wife gave me some sound advice. Let your wife be involved as much or as little as she wants. I know we have 2 kids under 3 1/2 and so my main ministry is at home. I also serve on our Women’s Ministry Team and with MOPS (Mother’s of Preschoolers). I sometimes go to Youth Group and sometimes have kids at our house but that is not my area of giftedness.
    If your marriage is strong, then your ministry will follow suit.

  2. Julie
    March 29th, 2006 @ 1:01 am

    My husband is a thinker, a muller (as in, he mulls things over), and when he’s thinking about some passage he’s going to be teaching on, it’s like he’s in his own little world. While it’s so important that he labor with the Scriptures (what a weighty responsiblity!)it’s hard sometimes for me, because my world is the very normal, everyday things of life with kids. So I guess my advice would be to make sure you have a good balance between all that deep thinking and the practical, nitty gritty of home life.

    Oh, and I love the previous post’s ideas about family first. Our church encourages my husband to spend a lot of time with us, and he does! I see him now more than when he was in seminary, which is wonderful.

    I also really like living right next door to the church. Even though we don’t own the parsonage, I like that we don’t have to fix stuff that gets broken. And it’s nice just walking across the parking lot to church since I have to get the kids all gussied up by myself on Sunday mornings.

    And be sure to protect your marriage by not spending any time counseling a woman alone in your office or anywhere else. Even if you’re trustworthy, people will still talk and it’s not worth it for your ministry or your family. Counsel as a couple, or encourage her to meet with an older woman in the church instead (think Titus 2).

    Most importantly, if she’s not as excited as YOU are about it, it’s going to be a long, hard road of ministry. What other job of a husband in the world (besides the president) so defines his wife?

  3. Mel
    March 29th, 2006 @ 1:43 am

    When my husband has been through interviews for church positions, when the (inevitable) question comes up: “What can your wife do?” he says, “You are hiring one person: me. Not my wife.” This sets the tone.

    If your wife is introverted, don’t expect her to be an extrovert and vice versa.

    My husband doesn’t tell me everything about every crisis. While sometimes I feel excluded, I know the burden of knowing about everyone’s issues and problems and meanness would be too much to bear.

    I could go on and on, but I’ll just leave it at that.

  4. Anita
    March 29th, 2006 @ 8:07 am

    When we really need our husbands to be there for us and REALLY listen to our needs, we don’t need them to shift into their alter-ego “Pastor (Name)”.

    I just want my husband to be who he is when we are alone because that is the person I know and love. We aren’t always on “stage” and sometimes when I am lonely ~ I just need him to treat me like a wife…not pacify me like a church member.

  5. Brian Andrews
    March 30th, 2006 @ 1:45 pm

    Thanks, ladies. This has been very helpful to me as the pastor’s wife’s husband. Anything else?

  6. thebishopswife
    March 30th, 2006 @ 2:05 pm

    Keeping your priorities straight cannot be stressed enough.

    1)God
    2)wife
    3)family
    4)church/ministry/work

    As the Pastoral family the church is truly our life. We do not send our husbands off each morning to labour from 9-5 and then have the evenings and weekends to ourselves. Our lives as Pastors wives are intimately bound up in the local church where our husband serves.

    Regarding the comment about the church hiring the man….while it is true that the church does employ the husband and as much as some fight against it, it really is a 2 for 1 deal. We are one flesh with our husbands. His life’s work cannot be separated from us. I believe that we should serve in the capacity that the Spirit has gifted us. We should be allowed to say *no* to requests that are not suited to our gifting, ability or schedules. However, we should be serving alongside of our husbands. He is the Pastor but as the wife, I am his helpmeet.

    Being married to a Pastor has it’s challenges but it also has a multitude of blessings. It is a humbling thing to be married to a man of God who is called to shepherd the people of God. To come along side of him as his helpmeet, to encourage, to pray for, to lift him up in prayer and serve the Almighty God together. Although there are times of trial, being married to a Pastor has been one of the greatest blessings of my life.

  7. Kim
    March 31st, 2006 @ 1:36 pm

    Tell here a thousand times a day how much you love her and how beautiful she is. It will go along way to cover the hurts she will experience from people in the church. My husband is constantly telling me how beautiful he thinks I am (after three kids, I think he is blind) :) But when the hard times come, I know I can trust him and that he loves me.

  8. Sally
    April 2nd, 2006 @ 10:57 am

    Love God- in spirit and truth.
    Love your wife- and show her that you love her.
    Love your family- make time for them.
    Love your church- help them to grow.

    In principle… great stuff. In practice- with time demands and expectations- very difficult to balance. It’s a constant challenge to us. My husband and I trained together for ministry 10 years ago. (I can’t believe it’s that long already!)

    Although I knew what the challenges that we would probably face (after 3 years of ministry studies and every possible theology lecture), you can never really anticipate all of the mixed blessings of ministry. Some real highs, some very deep lows and a whole lot of times when God and prayer is sustaining you.

    We have always tried to talk about things from the very start. We’ve learnt most from each other. There has been and there will always be, so much advice given to us… but we have come to understand that God has uniquely gifted us and placed us where he wants US to serve, and so ultimately, if we follow him he will lead our steps to act in wisdom… when there is no black and white answer to all the shades of grey.

    My husband knows how I feel about the demands of ministry, about the pressure I feel when juggling full time work (an elementary school teacher) and house group, and sunday school. He knows that sometimes I need privacy and that I am at times lonely.

    Likewise, I know when he needs to take a phonecall, when someone needs his help, when he needs my listening ear, or when he just needs a chance to be a guy and watch some football and relax.

    Sometimes there is no routine, no schedule, no normality (No sanity!), but I guess if you think of it like an Indiana Jones Adventure (complete with baddies, cliffs, dangerous paths, but without the big budget and handsome Hollywood celebs)… If God has truly called you both to it, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

  9. Amy
    April 2nd, 2006 @ 9:26 pm

    Thanks for your thoughts and experiences guys! Keep ‘em comin’.

  10. Susan
    April 3rd, 2006 @ 1:34 pm

    Hi Mike,
    I’m going to cut to the chase. She needs to know you choose her above all else. She needs to know you choose her above the church and above everything else in your life. She knows you serve God and she is supportive and that is probably one of the things that attracted her to you. She wants you to put God first in your life.You putting God first in your life is not the problem. The mistake pastors make is confusing their church for God. So, ask her whether she feels like the most important thing in your life or not. Ask her what it would look like to her; how would she know that she has the number one place above all others in your life (above children, above your family, above the church)? The only thing that would come above her is God.
    By the way, this doesn’t just apply to pastors wives. This applies to all wives.

  11. JoAnn
    May 18th, 2006 @ 6:45 pm

    Please pray for this Pastor’s wife, I am struggling with being one & want him to quit…..

  12. Amy
    May 22nd, 2006 @ 9:53 am

    JoAnn, I’m so sorry for the struggle…I’ve been there myself. My prayers are with you. God bless.

  13. Joyce
    June 23rd, 2006 @ 1:57 pm

    Jo Ann, if you don’t have a safe best friend with whom to share your feelings as a pastor’s wife, either find one, or go to a good Christian counselor (this is what I am doing after some 40 years as a pastor’s wife! Should have done it sooner). Usually they will give you a good discount, and in the long run, it will prevent your having expensive health issues due to carrying and suppressing the stress.

    Being a pastor’s wife is a privilege, and a burden! Sometimes “Jesus in skin” is what we need — someone safe to talk to and to really open up to. The Word is full of help, but loneliness can make it seem as though it’s for someone else, but “not for me.” Unburdening yourself to someone who is capable of letting you know that the silly/dumb/stupid things that happen to us are not our fault, can bring the sunshine into your life again!

    An older pastor’s wife who is compassionate and not preachy, is a good alternative. Maybe you can find one who will not only take time for you, but become your friend.

    I’m praying for you. It’s not an easy position, and we don’t ask for all of the “junk” that comes with it, but if your husband is really called to the ministry, that’s something you will learn to encourage with joy in your heart, once you find your way through what is currently bothering you. I wish we could communicate one-on-one and become the friend we each need. :o)

  14. ToshaLyn Francis
    June 26th, 2006 @ 11:05 pm

    Make time to talk with and do things with your wife that DO NOT involve the church. Also, make time to pray together daily. God bless you in your ministry.

    And Amy, thank you for this ministry.

  15. P.Williams
    August 23rd, 2006 @ 5:06 pm

    I am about to become a Preacher Wife want kind of advise can you give me and what can I expect?

  16. Bethany Cook
    September 14th, 2006 @ 8:43 am

    P. Williams, the best advice I can give right now is…..RUN!!!! :) Just kidding. I have not had a good experience with being a preachers wife. I recently attended a Preachers and Wives Day at a Christian College. I was excited to go b/c I was wallowing in everyone elses problems. I spent 4 hours in a room of women who had no identity. When it came time to stand up and introduce ourselves, all the women stood up and said, “Hi, My husband is (name) and he has been preaching at (name) for (number) years.” And then they sat down. By the time it was my turn I was mad. I never heard my husbands calling. I wanted him to do anything but preach. But that is the one thing he is good at and has a passion for. I don’t mind doing the work of the church but I would much rather do it as a regular member than the PW. Also, I don’t want my kids being the “whipping posts” for all the other kids in the church. And for that reason alone I pray everyday that my husband finds something else to do with his life. I hate this one.

  17. Heidi
    September 14th, 2006 @ 6:59 pm

    I am about to be married to a Worship Pastor and we have been going through some rough patches here lately. I already feel second to the church and his ministry and we are not even married yet. We are also in a long distance relationship right now, which makes things harder. He keeps telling me that there will be times in life that he will need to invest in the lives of the church people more than his family (me). I think that is absurd, he thinks it’s ministry. I need help…!

  18. Pat
    September 15th, 2006 @ 6:57 pm

    I understand what you mean about feeling second to ministry. We live in the parsonage which is in the church. I think I may have heard you gasp :) It is much, much more than I bargained for. I would like for my husband to be clear with church people about when our family time is. I guess I would really like for them to think of this themselves but in their minds it “will only take a minute of his time”. I also wish that the other pastor’s wives in the area would not be so guarded. We moved here a year ago and I have tried to make friends with the other PWs. It is such a lonely place to be and I wish I had just one friend to share things with. Are we so afraid as PWs to be ourselves that we choose rather to be alone?

  19. Amy
    September 16th, 2006 @ 9:57 pm

    I can so relate to what many of you describe here. I would highly encourage all of you to check out the Pastors’ Wives Forum if you haven’t already. It’s a great spot to talk to others in the same boat.

  20. ann-marie
    November 12th, 2006 @ 1:11 am

    I stumbled across this site by accident, but am i glad i found it.
    my husband is a YP and i have struggled with it. he’s gone all day and then at youth meetings at night.
    i fell like we are left behind and we have talked about it contstantly.
    he’s made a huge effort to try to spend more time with the kids and it’s been great.
    Also, the teens have stopped just “dropping by” at all hours, which is good.
    i have a thought:
    When you are home, be home. Don’t be stuck on your computer when having “time” with the kids. Don’t be on the phone arranging meetings and outings during your evening hours, if possible.
    Let yourself have a day off! (This one is hard for my hubby as his Youth related community events usually take place on his days off).
    Flex your hours if needed. If you are gone all weekend on a retreat, try to take some time off during the week to spend with family–or your wife!

  21. centilia
    January 3rd, 2007 @ 10:07 am

    I am a P/W I hate if for one reason my husband think that his first priority is the church even if I am sick in bed he must go we have no one at home its just us the members disrespect me his answer to me is so what they do worst to Jesus who do I think I am tell me please where did I miss God himself say the marriage is the first instution if you cant take cake of your home you will never be able to care for your church I need some pastor wife to reploy to me gie me some help please my email address is centilia @ hotmail.com

    he claim that when the members are rude to me he cant say any thing because they will say its because he is my husbnd such gabbage

  22. Suzy
    April 26th, 2007 @ 10:31 am

    I believe what every pastor’s wife needs is what every wife needs. She comes first. Defend and protect her. Stick up for her. Shame on Centilia’s husband for allowing the disrespect, rudeness, and mistreatment of his wife. Would a man in any other profession allow such behavior? Get a backbone! Your church members will have more respect for you and for your wife.
    Also, the parsonage may be the church’s house but it is my HOME. I wouldn’t walk in unannounced to someone else’s home. I wouldn’t visit without calling first. Your family will be living in a fishbowl so it should be high priority to relay the message to church members that you expect them to honor your privacy and family time.

  23. Yolanda
    July 2nd, 2007 @ 1:52 am

    so, just curious if anybody knows how mike and his wife are doing? i think she’s lucky to have a husband who gives enough of a rip to post the initial question…

  24. Mari
    October 28th, 2007 @ 11:54 pm

    How do you all deal with the lonlieness? How do you raise your children on your own, how are you able to deal with never having a vacation with your children and husband because he cannot leave the church, how do you deal with being last on the list?? My husband says it is his duty and he cannot refuse, but it kills me to be last to the man I love with all my heart. If anyone has any advice on how to deal, please let me know — mholliday@myhjc.com
    God Bless You.

  25. Sue
    December 8th, 2007 @ 9:47 pm

    Hi fellow PW’s,

    After reading your comments I humbly recommend reading Ephesians 5:15-33 and the book “Fit to be Tied” written by Bill Hybels (pastor of Willow Creek church). Bill Hybels has been incredibly successful in “his” ministry but it’s not because he ditched his wife and shelfed his responsibility to his family. If there was ever a recipe for rebellion against God and His church it is for pastor’s to send the message to their families that they aren’t important enough to invest his/her time/energy into. By the way, pastors aren’t the only culprit here…I’ve heard of many women who, sadly, do the same thing. Satan absolutely loves it when pastors/believers neglect their marriage covenant & family to “do ministry”. When any believer falls into this trap Satan is given a huge platform to work his ways…after all when he can take out a pastoral family he knows this will influence a lot of people away from God and His church.

    I also think that when folks state that they have to “do it all” so they don’t have time to spend with their family/wife they have serious trust issues. God calls THE CHURCH to accomplish His kingdom purposes not just the pastor. He designed us to function as a team, a body as Paul puts it and no one part is more important than the other. Yes, do your part well-pastors are called to equip God’s people to do God’s work. Do that part well and then trust God to accomplish His will in and through the rest of the body. He never, ever designed ministry to be done by just one person. Moses tried it and he started to fry so God sent Jethro to give him some sage advice that we’d do well to adhere to as well (read about it for yourself!). Paul also states that if one part of the body suffers the whole body suffers. So, pastors…wouldn’t you want your wife and family to be healthy parts of the Body of Christ? They won’t be healthy unless you nurture/minister to them as stated in Eph. 5. Remember God will bless your ministry when you are faithful to what He has called you to. You were called to love your wife as Christ loved the church and as you love your own body when you said “I do” so, go and do your part well and trust God that He will accomplish His awesome will in and through you.

    Mike, I hope you see this…may God bless your marriage and may your family bring joy and encouragement to those who come into contact with it. ~S.

  26. Christopher Sean
    February 22nd, 2008 @ 6:21 pm

    I am planning on becoming a preacher of the Word of God. I am also a romantic (some say hopeless, I say it albeit the word) though and have never accepted anyone talking disrespectfully to any person I have a relationship with (romantic or not) or if someone is not in the room. Wise cracking with the guys aside (I do have a humor).

    If you would like to say something disrespectful about my wife do not come to me, and do not say it at all, people talk. Yet pray for change if it bothers you so much. After that I would suggest maybe talking to her in private, I said talking to her, not telling her.

    If I was married and you did say something disrespectful, you better think before expelling it. As one with my wife, your disrespectful comments are directed towards me since I am a reflexion of her, as she is of me.

    After hearing your disrespectful comments about my wife you might as well expect a reaction as if you disrespected me, because you did.

    I respect my body, I take care of it and I maintain it - scratch that - make it stronger. I do not boast of it yet (only when asked (; ), I do not down grade myself. So, as something that is an attachment of myself, why would I do so? Yes, everyone forgets to take care of something once and awhile (stubbly fair or legs anyone), but you listen to your body. It will give you feed back to what you need to do.

    Your body tells you need to firm things up, and so you exercise and make your body stronger. Your body tells you are beat up, you are not getting stronger, and you are tearing your self down. So, you take a break from the stress and recover.

    When I say body, I mean you and your wife.

    The idea of one sacrificing your relationship with your wife is strange to me, especially with people that are not as one under God. Some say well it happened to Jesus, yes I am not Jesus. I do not have to be persecuted, scripture says do not be afraid of being persecuted, but does it say I have to let it continue, no. As well, when Mary (the prostitute) was being persecuted and disrespected did he not forcefully stop them by drawing the line in the dirt? Jesus was put on the cross so I do not have to be. I am not perfect, so it would be in vain to let myself be persecuted. To let someone slander me is absurd and so is letting someone attack my wife.

    The one that would be able to slander me or my wife is Jesus, and as a man Jesus would do no such thing.

  27. Andrea
    July 4th, 2008 @ 5:28 am

    Love her for herself, not for how she enhances or enables your ministry. I’m not a pastor’s wife, just a seminary student’s wife, and even here the pressure to be perfect, to support your husband financially, emotionally, and in the home is so overwhelming! I love my husband more than anyone but the Lord, but I can only be so much, do so much, and the pressure to be more than that is overwhelming. I have health problems which keep me from working full-time, and you would not believe the kind of comments I get for this, all the time, mostly from other seminary wives. This hurts deeply, because I would do anything for my husband - I hate that he has to work long hours and can’t devote himself to his studies like he would like because he has to pick up the financial slack! The crap that people give pastor’s wives/ seminary wives is enough to deal with - support and love her and accept her as she is, and she will love you for it forever.

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