Round 2 Results

March 11, 2006

Well guess what. Guess who’s pregnant. My dermatologist. That’s right, I’m sittin’ there in that very posh, highly-decorated office with framed fashion magazines all over the walls (because after all, this is the office of the dermatologist who is very important and world-renowned) and I’m waiting for the slicer and dicer of my epidermis. And in she walks with her gloriously round belly. Now isn’t that nothing short of hilarious…given me and my issues of course.

Thus ensues a barrage of various and sundry thoughts which race through my head. Here they are (in random order):

  1. She definitely looks pregnant. But should I say something? What if she’s not pregnant. What if she’s got an enormous growth on her belly button instead. Boy would I feel dumb.
  2. God must be feeling particularly gracious towards me today. I receive it.
  3. Why is there this weird thing with doctors—like it’s not cool to ask them personal questions. Never mind the fact that they ask you whatever they please, not to mention seeing you in really stiff, ugly, unbecoming paper gowns. Hey. I’m paying her. That should be worth something.
  4. Do I REALLY want to ask her about her pregnancy? What if this is, like, her 15th child and she’s “What to Expect” textbook material? Or worse, what if she’s due the same time I am…even though she’s about half my size…and even though her hips appear to be nonexistent.

Well, I conclude I CANNOT NOT SAY SOMETHING. So we start commiserating.

It’s her first pregnancy. And I was so relieved to know (despite all my previous preconceived notions) that she is actually quite NORMAL. If you’ve been pregnant the first time, you know how it is…the overwhelming fear that there’s about 2.4 million things that need to come together at just the right time, and in just the right place during the course of those nine long months and when you really start to think about it in the middle of the night, you convince yourself there is no possible way all 2.4 million things will ever come together properly and you are sure to give birth to a three-headed monster and you begin to ask yourself questions like, “Should I really eat this grape popsicle because the chemicals in the dye which makes the thing purple will probably be just the chemicals which will mess the entire process right up.”

Well, I must admit, it was an enjoyable conversation and call me crazy, but I think we might have even bonded. In fact, she was even asking for my thoughts at one point. That’s right, my advice was sought by a doctor. And boy did I feel important.

Then she sliced and diced me. It was fine. I found it very cool to see small parts of my body floating in tiny liquid-filled canisters, ready to be sent off to the pathologist.

I do have one gripe though. My moles were on my arm and lower back. My warts were on my hands. In other words, all areas in question were easily accessible by simply lifting my (oversized men’s red) sweater two inches in any given direction. In other, other words, no paper gown was needed this time around. So much for all that shaving and moisturizing.

Category: Life

Comments

2 Responses to “Round 2 Results”

  1. Annelise
    March 11th, 2006 @ 10:04 pm

    That was awesome!! Thanks for a great laugh, I’m still grinning . . . . keep your issues coming . . . :) LOVE YA!

  2. crickl's nest
    March 13th, 2006 @ 1:25 pm

    That IS hilarious! I’ve been keeping up with the dermatologist saga and can totally relate. Hope your boo boo’s heal up quickly!

    Christie (another PW)

    ps…stick to orange popsicles, grape ones make your mouth look like you’re oxygen deprived.

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