Dumb Thing #1 (Part 2)

January 10, 2006

(If you’re just joining us, you may wanna read Part 1 first.)

So, now for question Numero Uno:

What can I learn about the past so this doesn’t happen again?
Well, with regards to the credit card debt specifically, I’ve reflected long and hard on the situation. Accumulating so much debt is rather out of character for me. By and large, I have followed my dad’s very good advice that he so lovingly drilled into my thick skull since the age of 18 when I got my first credit card. That advice? Never carry a balance.

So what happened this time? Well, I think I’ve figured it out.

I’m going to refer to the year 2005 as “The Year of Motherhood.” (I know this seems totally unrelated but it’ll all come together.) I’ll save all the intricacies for another post, but let me give you the gist:

  1. I always knew I wanted kids. 2 to be exact.
  2. I thought 2 would be good for 2 reasons. First, I like even numbers. Second, having 2 wouldn’t tie me up in the toddler years for too long.
  3. This was important because I wanted to go back to work as soon as they were in school.
  4. So, here was my plan: Have 2 kids, stay home until they are school age, send them to school, get a job and pursue what I really want. In that order.
  5. Then I had kids.
  6. What I thought would be a minor blip on the radar screen of life turned out to be a major train wreck for me emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
  7. It’s not the kids—they’re amazing. I wouldn’t trade them for all the money in the world.
  8. The problem is me. I’ve always prided myself on being able to master anything I put my mind to and the ability to handle whatever life throws at me.
  9. Twas not the case with motherhood.
  10. Kids cannot be mastered. They don’t behave like an algebra equation. There are waaaay to many variables to keep track of. I’ve never felt so clueless in my life.
  11. Consequently, I’ve struggled as a mother from the get-go.
  12. I’m not a bad mother, just a restless one.
  13. Again, it’s not my kids. I love them with all that is within me.
  14. I just was not prepared for how it has turned my world entirely upside down.
  15. And being upside down has been extremely uncomfortable at times.
  16. Therefore, I’ve spent the better part of 5 years of motherhood, trying to get away from it.
  17. “Trying to get away from it” generally comes in the form of me entertaining all kinds of un-kid-related hair-brained ideas instead of embracing the here and now and recognizing that my purpose at this time in life is to enjoy those munchkins and be emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritual present as their mom.

All that to say, I now realize my business idea was just another one of my attempts to avoid embracing my role as mother. It’s not that having interests, hobbies or even a job outside of being a mother is wrong. NOT AT ALL! It’s just that in my case, I have a tendency to use those types of things as escape mechanisms. There are a lot of things in life that aren’t necessarily wrong in and of themselves, but for certain individuals, those things can be used to avoid a deeper level of pain or discomfort. Shopping, food, alcohol, TV, internet use, relationships, etc. are examples.

So. Now I realize and understand that starting a business was my way of avoiding the discomfort of motherhood. What can I do to fix it? Well, I have a plan…or I’m devising one anyway. More on that in Part 3.

P.S. It’s a lot of psychobabble, I know. Just trying to milk my nearly-completed-but-will-most-likely-never-be-fully-completed M.S. in Marriage and Family Therapy for all it’s worth.

Category: Dumb Things

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