Why I Hated Marriage

November 28, 2005

I’m turning over a new leaf. OK, scratch that. I really shouldn’t lie. The truth is, I’m going to try something a little different—I’m actually going to answer a question I got from one of you, my dear readers. I said I’d do that before and did I? No. Geez. Why do I have to be so flaky?

Anyway, Laur posted a comment in response to my last post about the fact that our first 5 years of marriage were, well, hellish. In her comment, she asked the following:

not that i’m sitting on the brink of an engagement or anything, but i’m curious - while you’re on the subject, what rocked your boat those first 5 years? i assume it has a great deal to do with the crap you and your husband had lying around. i’m not asking you to get super-specific (not that i would complain!), but, for the sake of those of us looking in the windows at married life, can you alleviate the inevitable shock a little?

Well, Laur, you have a good question and I’d be glad to answer. And I’ll try to be super-specific.

#1. We were WAY too physically involved before we got married. Does that mean we had sex? Well, define sex. Did we have intercourse? No. But I maintain that sex begins long before intercourse. Let’s just say we were not heeding 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 (or about 3948 other verses for that matter). So, as a result of our SIN, we developed some pretty warped relational dynamics. Before we were married, our relationship focused almost entirely on squandering the gift of sexual intimacy that should only be shared between husband and wife. And if you’re going to open all your Christmas presents in October, prepare yourself for a pretty crappy Christmas.

#2. If you’d like to get a good hard look at your crap, get married. Because why? Because “becoming one” with someone (Genesis 2:24) is like living with a mirror smack in your face 24/7. (I know this is vague and I can’t quite explain it, but this is the best way I can think of.) When I was single, I was good at tucking away the ugliest parts of my self into dark, out-of-the-way closets of my soul. I knew where they were and I especially knew how to steer clear of them. Well, enter marriage. Now Brian and I were “one flesh.” As he was exploring who I was as his wife, he would stumble upon these dark closets of mine. (You’d think I would have been smart enough to post “Do Not Disturb” signs.) We all have the option, of course, to live in denial which drastically cuts down on your spouse poking his/her nose into places you don’t want him/her to be. It may sound like a good idea, but don’t fool yourself. It’s only a matter of time before your secrets are revealed OR you’ll spend your entire life trying to hide them…but they will inevitably leak out. You’re better off to just deal with it at the get-go and get it over with.

#3. Our expectations were out of sync and influenced heavily by our individual life experiences. I vividly remember the time I first realized this. Growing up, my dad frequently asked me for fashion advice. God bless him, but coordinating a clothing ensemble is not his forte. I had fond memories of picking his clothes out and telling him what looked good with what. It was a little bonding thing that we both enjoyed. So naturally, I once offered a little fashion advice to Brian expecting it to result in the same sort of warm fuzzy bonding feelings. Wrong. Let’s just say my “fashion advice” went over as well as a toot in church. (Uh, that would be, like, flatulence, in case “toot” is new to you).

So, to sum up all this nonsense, here’s my advice:

#1. Live on separate continents prior to marriage. And if that’s not possible, don’t venture down the road leading to sex. IT AIN’T WORTH IT!

#2. Deal with your crap before you get married. (I’m beginning to sound like a broken record…or a scratched CD…depending on your generation.)

#3. Get used to the fact that your husband will be an alien. OK, hopefully not, but just realize that what you thought you knew about him will be thrown right out the window. (Same thing goes for what you thought about yourself and for what he thought about you.) It’s nothin’ to fear. It happens to all of us. Just roll with the punches, girlfriend. And pray a lot because God actually made that alien and knows exactly what makes him tick.

And oh what an exciting roller coaster ride it will be! And then you won’t be able to get enough of it!

Category: Marriage

Comments

6 Responses to “Why I Hated Marriage”

  1. Laur
    November 29th, 2005 @ 1:02 am

    thanks :)

  2. Elena
    November 29th, 2005 @ 2:38 pm

    Funny, we had a difficult first year for precisely the opposite reason. We were very good about keeping our physical relationship under control. Our first kiss was when Pastor Bob declared us husband and wife. Sharing your first kiss in front of 300 people is… um… awkward. And not particularly romantic. Our honeymoon was equally awkward. We’d worked so hard for so long avoiding physical intimacy that it didn’t come naturally…

    I think that the problem was that we were SO intimate on a spiritual level. Our souls were utterly one long before we’d so much as held hands. Separating body and soul like that is really problematic.

    If we had it all to do over again, we’d have gone a LOT slower on the soul one-ness, and we would have been a little more relaxed on the physical side of things.

    In other words, we should have listened to all the older wiser people who told us we were nuts. But since they all regretted being too physically intimate, and not spiritually intimate enough, we didn’t take them very seriously when they told us we were a little unbalanced in the opposite direction.

    I wish we still did things like the ancient Hebrews, with a legally binding betrothal well in advance of the big huge wedding feast. Becoming one is a process… and a one-day wedding just doesn’t do it justice.

  3. Tracey
    November 30th, 2005 @ 6:47 pm

    This is my first visit (via ‘Going Bananas), and being a campus minister’s wife I have to say how much I already love your openness. I so badly want to help our college women to be more open about the struggles of physical temptation (especially the premarital kind!) because it is STILL such a quiet subject. I’ll be visiting here more and more!

  4. strange feelings
    January 19th, 2007 @ 1:27 pm

    i am married and i am having lots of thoughts about other women…but i am the wife. i am very feminine and i am physically attracted now to the same. oh yeah, i am the pastors wife and i got issues too!

  5. ik
    April 5th, 2007 @ 1:17 pm

    hi, i’m a thirty something african christian woman, who’s husband is certainly not a pastor (i grew up secretly wanting to be a pastor’s
    wife). well maybe i’m now glad i’m not one.
    i really love your openness coz we also had our issues while dating and it also affected our early married life. thanks 4 being real.

  6. laura
    January 4th, 2008 @ 2:07 am

    I am engaged to a bishop and feel overwhelmed, yet appreciate all of this advice, while trying to prepare for our marriage.

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