You May Feel Alone, but You’re Not

20 Responses to “You May Feel Alone, but You’re Not”

1. Amy
   August 23rd, 2005 @ 7:39 pm

   Hey Sarah…that makes two of us!

2. julie
   August 24th, 2005 @ 10:20 pm

   Alone! That’s the perfect word for all this. I’m a NEW pastor’s wife (like, about a month), and my sweetie pie has moved us thousands of miles from family and our friends to a town without a walmart. My best friend of twenty years has basically left the faith and our friendship for a guy who doesn’t know Jesus.
   I love all the women in our church but it’s hard to have to be so guarded in your conversations because you’re the “pastor’s wife!”. Would someone out there be my PW friend? How pathetic is that! Amy–you’re not the only one with “issues”! I’m loving this site. THANK YOU!

3. Jane
   September 27th, 2005 @ 4:58 pm

   Very glad to have found your blog. I’ve looked all over for PW help, and most websites are not quite what I’m looking for. I don’t feel particularly “traditionally PW” either. Thanks for sharing; I’ll be checking back.

4. Jackie
   October 12th, 2005 @ 2:28 pm

   Hi from a Georgia Peach minister’s wife. My heart goes out to you. Ihave a pastor’s wife’s heart. And I just love being with women, teaching women, mentoring women, watching women grow, praying with and for women. Sure there are problems, I have encountered them but there are problems everywhere. Hang in there and hang on to your faith.
   Jackie

5. Adrienne
   November 15th, 2005 @ 4:31 pm

   I’m delighted to have found this site. My husband is in the ministry and looking to Pastor a church and I am not at all the type that would fit into the Pastor’s wife role. I am a Christian and love the Lord…but he must be joking…..Anyway…I plan on visiting your site frequently. This blog is a wonderful idea.

6. Cassie
   November 25th, 2005 @ 2:31 pm

   This site is great! I’m a pastor’s wife and googled “pastor’s wife” and found this site- after some searching:) I’m so glad this is not another one of those recipes for perfect banquets and perfect homeschooling 101 sites:)

7. Rick Hawkes
   December 15th, 2005 @ 2:58 am

   I just happened to stumble across this site and had quite a good time looking at a couple of your articles. My wife was a pastor’s wife before I burned out. Sounds like you’ve got a good handle on living for the Lord, and resisting the constraints that people would put on the pastor’s wife with unspoken expectations and little whispers behind your back. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.”

8. Lisa
   January 6th, 2006 @ 7:03 pm

   Amy,

   I adore your site! I’m a PW who just moved from a city to a holler in KY, and am going through serious withdrawals from culture, friends, and progressive thinking. Your blog just made my day! I added it to my Yahoo homepage, so I’m sure that I will be checking in often.

9. Jennifer
   January 10th, 2006 @ 11:11 am

   If we are truly called to pastor it really is Jesus Christ who does the pastoring of His sheep through us. If we are burning out this means that we are trying in our own efforts and not the strength from the Holy Spirit to be used by Him to minister to people’s needs. If you feel alone or that you’re going to lose it than you are not trusting Jesus Christ, you’re trusting man. Many have turned the calling of pastoring into a career which is unfortunate. Christ talks in John about the hirelings. The the Spirit of God gives us a love for people we have His desire to pastor the spiritual needs of others. We don’t seek attention for ourselves and glory for ourselves. We don’t even need to make an income off of loving the body of Christ. Far too many people choose a career in ministry; however, is this Christ’s ministry or ours or something that man has created. Jesus Christ never puts people in a position where they will be alone and burning out. However, when we are not receiving the attention from man that we feel we deserve for the titled position that our husband is in we quickly feel alone. We need to take a very hard look at ourselves. If we feel called to pastor people than do we need to be recognized by man? Why can’t we help others without being recognized financially and receive glory with a title within a congregation? There is a lack of humbleness amongst those who seek attention for how they serve in the body of Christ. Why should people who pastor be paid any more than anyone else who devotes him/herself to the spreading of the gospel message and making disciples of Christ? True pastoring is much different than what man has created it to look like. The Church has far too much idolatry.

10. Susan
    February 19th, 2006 @ 2:41 am

    On behalf of all pastors wives. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!! In response to Jennifer. Please come down off the cross and quit trying to play Holy Spirit in other people’s lives. I already have one. Lets get honest. This is one of the toughest jobs around. I have been a pastors wive for over 12 years and there are days when I hate it. I can honestly say that. There have been times when the only thing that has kept me in the situation is my commitment to God. Because not even my love for my husband could make me put up with lonliness and isolation on this scale. We live in a fish bowl. Everyone seems to have expectations of what you and your family should be like. They have opinions about what car you should drive, what home you should live in, where that home ought to be located, how you and your children should act, and they might even concern themselves with the type of television shows and movies that you should or should not watch. Then when you have a problem with the box they put you in, your walk with God is questioned. I don’t think people have malicious projections or expectations but they still have them. Being a pastors wife can be very lonely. Let me give you a scenario, I moved not to a different state but a different country with my husband and out first church. I now have moved away from family, friends and culture. We moved to a culture where being a pastor was not a good thing. My children are discriminated against because of who we serve, society discriminates against us because we are Christian, and then I walk into the church, the place where hopefully I will have friends and open relationships, and I am still the pastors wife. Are you getting the picture? I cannot talk openly about my hurts, my struggles, my pain because I am not supposed to have any. I am introduced as the pastor’s wife. Do I not have a name? Here is the kicker. I have a wonderful church with loving people. I would dare say they don’t even know I feel this way. They pray for my family, they love us, and we love them. So how do I get out of the box? I have more to say about that and I will be writing more in the future. But for now, on behalf of pastors wives, you are not alone. Those of us who live this unique and complicated life are walking this road with you and we are priveleged to share this journey with you. We don’t question your love for God, your husband, or your people. We know that you are adjusting and determining your own way and we are honored to share this jouney with you. Keep up the wonderful work you dynamic women of GOD.

11. Siobhann
    February 28th, 2006 @ 8:32 pm

    You are so adorable! I love your website - so honest and none of the “perfection” standard that seems to be expected of us pws. You are not alone in feeling alone!! Actually after being a pw for 20 years I’m just now coming to terms with this - but it still hurts sometimes. Just when I think I’m immune to more rejection or loneliness - wham! it sneaks up behind me again. But yes, that extra jewel will be worth it all - and think how long eternity will be - you won’t regret a moment of pain when you are sashaying down the golden streets with your beautiful crown! Keep writing like you do. I refuse to be placed on anyone’s pedastal or made into an image that they wish to create of the ideal pw!

12. Siobhann
    February 28th, 2006 @ 8:37 pm

    Susan who posted Feb 19th 2006:
    Amen and amen! Couldn’t have said it better myself and it is such a relief to me to hear someone else say it! I have struggled for a few years to stay off any pedastels - people do want to put the pw there, then enclose it in a glass case where they can look at you, but not really know you. Yes, we do have a name and we are real people too with real kids and all of us are sinners too! I love the people, but do wish they could understand…but they probably can’t. I guess in the same way we don’t see “celebrities” as “real people” with real lives, church members can’t relate to us this way either. Well, God bless us everyone!

13. Mike
    March 27th, 2006 @ 6:03 pm

    So, I found your site today while looking for some perspective on being a pw. I have a calling on my life to pastor and really want to make it easier for my wife. My question is; what could your husbands do to help? I’m thinking of some simple things like always referring to Selena by name rather than ‘my lovely wife.’ But what else?

    I’m loving the site btw.

14. Leslie
    April 6th, 2006 @ 8:33 pm

    I’ve been a pw for 8 years and I’m ready to quit…Too much pressure from my husband and the church and life in general. This is too much for one woman, mother, wife, Christian, worship leader, children’s church teacher, women’s leader, sunday school teacher, & church secretary. And I have a “real” job too!!! By the way, Mike, pastor-husbands can help by treating us with as much care, concern, and effort as they do their congregation. My husband pressures me to do a good job for his sake.
    I feel like I’m living HIS life…
    Sincerely,
    A Small-Church PW

15. Alexis
    April 14th, 2006 @ 1:27 pm

    Amy,
    my name is Alexis and i am 12 years old.
    When i grow up i want to marry a Pastor and live for the Lord!!!not many people are doing that and i am already doing it i am a skirt wearing church goin kind of girl i love reading yoour blog!!!

16. hanna
    April 15th, 2006 @ 12:11 am

    Hello Amy,
    I’m a missionary’s daughter that married a youth pastor! I’ve lived in 3 different countries and moved too many times to remember. People say either my parents did a great job as missionaries or I’m simply ’stupid’! i dunno, i may be crazy
    It’s Good Friday and I didn’t attend the church service tonight. I refused. Instead I googled ‘pastor’s wife’ and came across this blog. I had thought that my feelings of rejection and loneliness could have been due to my sensitivity. I also thought the high expectations and severe scrutny was a cultural (i’m Korean)issue. When I married my husband, I had people come up and literally tell me what I can and cannot do. It feels like the role of a pastor’s wife is the lowest in social rank because everybody thinks you are there simply to serve serve serve and serve some more and take in all the barrage of criticism while the whole time having a smile on. We are not allowed to tell anyone off and must be cautious in our conversations because people tend to twist it and use it against you. I’m bitter, anxious, and extremely lonely most of the time…and then Jesus shows up and gently touches my heart. what can i say? It ain’t easy I tell ya!

    hanna

17. TERI THOMPSON
    May 24th, 2006 @ 11:10 am

    I have been looking for a “blog” like this….a place where I would not feel isolated…..a place where I could vent, and not be judged….a place where other pastor’s wives shared the same feelings as I do. Thank God for you…

    Okay girls….ya ready?! I love my husband,(yes, hes a senior pastor of a small church)I love God (got saved at 15)but if your pastor is your husband, and you’ve got a problem, and you want to talk to your pastor…..ya see where I’m going with this?! Comical in a way, huh?! Lonely….in a BIG way. I really don’t have anyone to “vent” to. I used to talk to my Mom alot, she was my biggest “cheerleader”, but when she passed away, I lost my confidant. I pray alot, and the fact that I don’t like being a pastors wife, doesn’t diminish my love for the Lord a bit. I believe I am right where He wants me….but the pain….is what I hate the most. People have come right up to my face, has trashed my husband, my kids, me, and yet I continue to have a smile on my face when I see them….tell me I don’t deserve an Academy Award girls, you know what its like!! And I’m sure most of you are a close second too….Best Supporting Actress!!
    Its lonely, its frustrating, and I wouldn’t have signed up for this at all!! But it does have its rewards….like when someone gets “saved”….when you explain something biblical over and over again, and finally something inside them “clicks”….when you are counseling with someone, be it a couple or a young person, and they follow your wise counsel, and you see them growing in the Lord….NOW….that’s cool! And an addict that really, really tries to “kick” the habit, and your praying with them, praying for them and loving them the whole time….no matter if its their “umpteenth” time “falling off the wagon”….your tired, your weary, but somehow God always comes through….He’s either God, or He’s not, and He always brings you through!
    There’s alot of highs and lows. We’ve been betrayed by our “best friends” at church….slandered….judged….ridiculed…. used….church splits….and when they walk out on you in the midst of a storm, so to speak, God will bring in a family or two that will help you….encourage you….pray for you….stand by you….minister with you, and you can breathe for just a little while. WHEW! Its all seasonal girls. The Bible talks about “seasons”….a “season” for this, a “season” for that, but the Bible also says “this too shall pass”….and that…is what I’m holding on to! No matter how “bad” it gets girls….it will always be better than where I could be!! Pray through….preach through….press through….

18. lede
    June 21st, 2006 @ 1:10 pm

    hi, stumbled on this site while browsing and looking for inspiration from pastor;s wife. I am a pw of 9 months. I did not anticipate the luggage that came with being a pw. Yes the journey so far is of lonliness. I moved from a large city to a small country community/church. I have not found my niche yet or don’t even know if there is a niche for me here. I’m still seeking divine guidance from God as to where he want to use me, because the church don’t seem to need any help from an outsider.

19. Paula McCracken
    June 23rd, 2006 @ 7:49 pm

    Wow! I just discovered a web site that doesn’t just make me more depressed by setting standards that No one could achieve. I am a pastor’s wife, the mother of three children and I am a full time grade 4 teacher at the local public school. I live in a small town in Ontario. Being a teacher and a PW certainly puts me in an interesting category in town. I often feel that everyone sees me in a role, rather than as a person. However, having a full time job (sorry traditional PW’s) has allowed me to have my own life. I can be a friend and support to my husband, but I am focused during the day on my own job and I have co-workers who treat me just like another staff member and know me as Paula - a person. I truly think that my job outside the home has allowed me to not feel quite as isolated from others. Most of the friends (real friends who you can be yourself with) have no connection to the church. I think that God is sad that we PW;s cannot be real authentic friends with others in our congregations. My first experiences of Christian community were at church camp. We were all teenagers and we shared very deep relationships. Why can’t this be transferred to the church? I really think something has got to change, a paradime shift needs to take place. This lack of connection can’t be good for church members either.

20. cassandra
    July 12th, 2006 @ 2:17 pm

    I feel that I have a calling to be a pastor’s wife. I am 33 years old. How do you know that you are called? I have heard that some that are pw’s did not have a desire to be one. That discourages me. I am 100% sure the Lord placed this in my heart. Help!

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