I Got a Zit Today

April 29, 2005

One zit. Big deal, you say. Maybe so, but it’s not really about the zit. No, it’s about what the zit represents. This little, insignificant zit has brought back painful memories.

You see, I had horrible acne between the ages of 17 and 22. My skin was relatively clear throughout high school. And since high school is the time most young women battle the zit factor, I thought I was out of the woods. Boy was I wrong. Whatever I didn’t get in high school I got in college…and then some.

My case of acne was not just a pimple here and there. No, I used to get large nodules, many at a time, painful to the touch and long-lasting. My dermatologist had me on antibiotics for four solid years as well as topical creams and multiple unsuccessful attempts to freeze those zits away.

Eventually he reluctantly prescribed a strong drug called Acutane. I say reluctantly because he was afraid I was sexually active (despite the fact I wasn’t and kept telling him so) and if I happened to get pregnant, it would be almost inevitable the baby would be severely deformed.

Acutane was no walk in the park either. It essentially made every pore on my face produce enough oil to fill a vat. Consequently, my face was one solid breakout–there wasn’t a single pore un-zitted. Then, as quickly as the oil appeared, it disappeared, making my face shrivel up in total moisture deprivation. It peeled and peeled and peeled and kept on peeling. My lips and chin were so dry they cracked and bled.

It eventually began to get better and about 4 months after starting the meds, I was finally getting back to normal. I’m grateful that Acutane worked well for me. I haven’t struggled with acne (other than a lone zit now and then) since.

Anyway, I could go on and on. My point is not to highlight the gory details of zitdom. No, as painful as it was physically, the emotional pain was immeasurably worse. I have never experienced so much shame in my life. Oh, so much shame.

I constantly felt dirty. I felt inferior. Most of my friends had dealt with the problem in high school, so I felt alone. I was always trying to hide my face–behind makeup, behind my hair, behind my hands…anything. I hated how I looked. I was overwhelmed with envy for those blessed with beautiful skin. I avoided mirrors and cameras (in fact I have only a few pictures of myself during those four years). It was extraordinarily painful to be having a conversation with someone who’s eyes did not look into mine but bounced from zit to zit instead.

I used to read the verses about beauty being on the inside. It never helped. I believed them to be true intellectually, but they never eased the pain. Not once.

I know there was a purpose in it, otherwise God never would have allowed it to happen. I wish I could say I had an epiphany through it all or that I learned something profound as a result. It did increase my compassion. It also squashed a lot of pride. I do know I will never be the same. I guess that is pretty profound.

Category: Deep Thoughts

Comments

One Response to “I Got a Zit Today”

  1. Tracey
    December 7th, 2005 @ 11:45 am

    Okay, Amy, you’re going to think I’m crazy for commenting on a post way back in time, but I am the kind of person who, if I find a blog I really like, I start from the beginning. Call me crazy. Anyway, just had to say that THIS POST COULD HAVE BEEN ABOUT ME. I am not joking. I had the bad acne start when I was 19, then not long after that I did a round of Acutane. I seriously became a hermit and would only leave my room for class or to get food. My compassion was increased in that experience as well, something that probably (sadly) needed to be done.

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