Advice from a Newlywed

April 25, 2005

I was recently approached by a young woman in our church who, together with her boyfriend, was exploring the possibility of marriage. She was looking for wise counsel. She asked if I would join her and three other women for lunch to discuss the topic.

I must admit I was honored that she asked me. I mean, I’ve been married less than 8 years. It’s not like I’m a pro. The other women, on the other hand, had 15+ years of marriage under their belts.

Come to think of it, I’m the Pastor’s Wife so maybe she felt obligated to include me. Who knows. At any rate, I decided I needed to draw up a list of my own advice…things I’ve learned in my 8 short years of marital (ahem) bliss. Here’s what I told her:

  1. Divorce is not an option. Make very sure you are both committed to staying in this marriage until one of you dies. (Of course there are special circumstances, i.e. adultery, where there may be an exception to that rule but I’m operating under the assumption that adultery will not enter the picture.) In my case, this commitment was the only, I mean, THE ONLY, thing that kept me (& my husband I found out later) in our marriage during the first year.
  2. No sex until your wedding night. Yes, that’s right. Forget what society tells you. DO NOT HAVE SEX! And if you are already, stop. And then confess the sin that it is and vow not to do it again until you’re married. Aside from the fact that God clearly says it’s wrong, there is everything to gain from waiting and everything to lose from not waiting. And “sex” doesn’t necessarily begin and end with intercourse. “Sex” may very well begin with a passionate kiss. It also includes oral sex, phone sex, internet sex and a myriad of other sexually arousing activities. Don’t let there be “even a hint of sexual immorality,” as Ephesians 5:3 says. Sexual dabbling leads only to great pain later. Ask me, I know.
  3. Be realistic. Take a good, hard look at your man, yourself and your situation. Is he REALLY high quality or is he really a loser? Are you REALLY at a place to be getting married or are there things you need to work on first? Are you REALLY prepared to be married for a very, very long time or are you just enamored with the whole idea of a nice wedding? Ask the people around you that love you–the ones you know will tell you the truth. And then be willing to hear the truth. (Fortunately for this couple, they had this down pat.)
  4. Be prepared. Things may very well get ugly at times. There’s nothing like marriage to bring up all the garbage in our lives straight up to the surface. And we all have garbage. If you’re prepared for it, you’ll be better able to handle it when it happens. Be sure you have a good idea of how your S.O. (significant other) deals with conflict. My husband and I have talked to lots of engaged couples. “We never fight” is a comment we hear on occasion. The couple saying it usually beams with pride as though it’s proof of their stellar relationship. To me it’s a huge red flag. I don’t believe it’s possible to have a marriage without some level of conflict at some point. And if it’s not dealt with, it becomes either a volcano waiting to explode or it will be successfully “stuffed” only to leak out in other, more lethal ways down the road.
  5. Be deliberate. A good marriage doesn’t just descend from the heavens the moment you say “I do.” It requires work. And in some cases, like ours, a whole lotta work. Be sure you are both wholeheartedly committed to putting in the time and energy it takes to nurture your marriage…even when you don’t feel like it.

Above all else, choose your mate wisely. Be highly selective. Do not settle. Do not marry out of desperation or because no one better has come along. I don’t care how old you are, how much your mother bugs you about it, how many of your friends have already gotten hitched, how much you think you can change him after the wedding or how loudly your biological clock is ticking. Don’t do it. You’ll save yourself immeasurable pain and heartache.

Category: Love

Comments

Leave a Reply